Nothing better to do

Day 23- Annual Cookie Party + Peen Cookies

2010-12-05T11:18:00.000-08:00

Molly and I hosted our 8th Annual Christmas Cookie Decorating Party and it was a huge success. Sadly I forgot to take pictures during the party so I have only 3.

This is the set up before everyone arrived. Please note that this represents only a small fraction of the cookies we were decorating. And we hadn't yet filled the squirt bottles with icing.

I stole this photo from SA's FB page. It shows the decorating process, which included drinks. Big thanks to B for coming up with some delicious beverages!

This final picture is of the infamous penis cookies. Somehow decorating them seems crude.

Day 22- Thanks Amber!

2010-12-04T10:30:00.000-08:00

Since Amber couldn't make it to the cookie party, she sent us some amazing marcons. We were forbidden to open them early so when we finally got the text from Amber letting us rip open that package we are really excited. Well I was excited. Molly looks slightly deranged.
Thanks Amber! They were delicious!

Day 21- Miss Molly

2010-12-03T19:27:00.000-08:00

Molly was in town this weekend for the Annual Cookie Decorating Party (post coming soon...maybe). To absorb all the sugar from the cookies we ate at Jimboys.

This is the amazing art Molly created from the grease dripping from her taco.
Pure genius.

Day 20- Red Light Revenge

2010-11-30T13:47:00.000-08:00

If you get the sudden urge to take an unauthorized picture of me while driving, don't.
I will get my revenge at the next stop light.

Day 19- Free Sunglasses

2010-11-29T11:10:00.001-08:00

Doesn't everything seem better when it's free?
Thanks to everyone who voted for me on FB. And those that just put up with my annoying pleas for votes.

Day 18- It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

2010-11-26T20:52:00.000-08:00

Yup. I'm all decorated. I'm maximizing my Christmas spirit since I'll be throwing this all back in the garage on Dec 26th.

Day 17- Thanksgiving Part 2

2010-11-25T14:13:00.000-08:00

If you know me at all, you know I don't really cook. I make cinnamon rolls for Christmas and dinner rolls for Thanksgiving.

Here are the dinner rolls fresh from the oven.

Here is the rest of my contribution to Thanksgiving dinner:
Nope. I didn't even spring for the brand name stuffing.

It turned out fine.

My mom decided to give our turkey butter implants. I think she's a little lop-sided.
I think she's a little lop-sided.

Day 16- Thanksgiving Part 1

2010-11-24T11:40:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was at my house this year. Thankfully my Mom brought her decorations with her.

Day 15- Bloody Sox

2010-11-23T14:59:00.000-08:00

Not actual blood.
Why must I continually suffer wearing socks that are size 9-11 when my feet are size 7? I hate that stupid heel space that gets pushed up on my ankle. Who actually has size 11 feet, other than my grandmother and Paris Hilton? Can't someone make regular size socks?

Yes that's my actual foot.
Yes my foot is on my desk.
I like to get comfortable in the afternoons.

Day 14- Stupid Head Tilt

2010-11-22T15:33:00.000-08:00

Every time a camera appears my neck instinctively adjusts to give me this weird head tilt thing.
I think I'm trying to look thinner. I know it doesn't work, but at this point my neck is working on it's own. I suspect it's conspiring with my chin(s) to appear enormous.

Day 13- Happiest Place on Earth...

2010-11-21T12:24:00.000-08:00

...is not Disneyland. It's Marianne's house. Of course Disneyland was on the agenda as well as HP7.1
Yes we are dorks and we're ok with it.

Day 12- Macaroni Whistle

2010-11-16T21:16:00.001-08:00

Tonight I watched my cousin's daughter Bella. She discovered that she could use her mac and cheese as a whistle. Or perhaps she was practicing inhaling and embracing her Humboldt roots. Either way she couldn't stop laughing.

Day 11- Super Tired

2010-11-15T09:20:00.000-08:00

This past weekend was a whirlwind of activity surrounding my brother's new house. I might fall asleep at my desk.

I'm sad I didn't get to see Molly, but she'll be back in 3 weeks.

Day 10- Pure Joy

2010-11-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

Last night I had the pleasure of spending the evening with my family, including my cousin's kids. The princess was there as well as Mr. Smiles. I could spend all day every day with this one.
I've never seen such a happy baby. He's too easy to entertain. I imagine when he's about 6 (in 5 1/2 years) he will love all my old jokes that everyone else thinks are tired and overplayed.

Day 9- Houseguests

2010-11-11T07:40:00.000-08:00

My parents are visiting for a few days and they brought Quincy with them. He's pretty adorable, but up close his teeth are a mess. He's basically Ethan Hawke*. He really needs braces.

*Trust me. There's a reason Ethan smiles with his mouth closed. If you ever watched Reality Bites from the 3rd row in the theater you know what I mean.

Day 8- Co-Worker of the Day

2010-11-10T09:15:00.001-08:00

I've decided to start a little contest that will take place every day at my office. I'm going to call it "Co-Worker of the Day" and it's going to be awesome. The daily winner will receive a variety of fabulous prizes from me, including smiles, laughter, reduced number of eye rolls, sarcasm directed at other loser co-workers, and slightly increased patience during lengthy boring personal stories.

Today's winner is Tone. He went to the Kwik-E-Mart across the street and brought me back my sanity in the shape of a bottle.

Bless you Tone.

Day 7- Unsatisfactory Dining Experience

2010-11-09T13:13:00.000-08:00

Tone & I go to lunch most days. We usually have a great time chatting, eating, complaining, whatever. Tone loves him some wings. Tuesday's are 50 cent wings at BWW. Yes we were there today. He loves the wings, I love the trivia.

I dominated today, winning 2 of 2 games. I knew that someday knowing Greg's (of Dharma & Greg) last name would come in handy*. I'm usually pretty good at 90's TV trivia. For some reason my brain must think that it's essential to retain every episode of 90210 (the original- not the sad reboot), Saved By the Bell, and Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I choose to think of it as a gift.

As much as I love the Trivia at BWW, the service was horrible. I'm not sure we will be returning. Definitely not on discount wing days.

We had to wait 15 minutes for our waitress to take our order.
She forgot to get us the game consoles.
She didn't get Tone a drink refill.
She stood in front of the tv monitor so I lost some game points.
We only got in 2 games of trivia.
She charged us for ranch! UNACCEPTABLE!

I pity tipped our waitress because she was preggers.

*It was Montgomery

Day 6- Lucky Co-Workers

2010-11-08T07:15:00.001-08:00

Last night SA and I made cupcakes. Her choice was Guiness Chocolate; mine was Maple Delight. One tastes like dreamy clouds of cocoa and the other tastes like pancakes.
Tone better eat a lot of these because I don't want to take them home tonight.

Day 5- Green Thumb

2010-11-07T13:17:00.000-08:00

My beautiful lemons are finally starting to look like lemons instead of limes. It's only a matter of time before I can use fresh-squeezed in my Tom Collins.

Day 4- Doing My Part

2010-11-06T16:11:00.000-07:00

Last night I attended a charity auction for my aunt's school. I ended up with a lot of good stuff.
Silent auctions are my new thing.

Day 3- It's Friday, I'm In Love

2010-11-05T13:10:00.000-07:00

Things I Did Today:
1) Stayed awake at work.
2) Went to lunch with The Tone.
3) Fell in love with Mr. Tight Jeans.
He was at least 8 feet tall. Or 6. He was taller than Tony and taller than me.

Tony mentioned he was dirty. I determined I could clean him up. Tony said I was dirty. My phone sex voice makes everything I say sound dirty.

I timed my soda refill to coincide with Mr. Tight Jeans' fill up. The girls said hello.

He and I shared a special moment.

Tony doesn't know that we will now be returning to this place every day so I can see him again.

Day 2- Joy via UPS

2010-11-04T08:55:00.001-07:00

Several weeks ago at one of our weekly Mad Men viewing parties, my friend B introduced me to the delicious Tom Collins. Ever since I have been on the hunt for the perfect recipe. This little baby here might help me create my masterpiece.

I had to order it online because I couldn't find it anywhere. And before you tell me that I could just make my own simple syrup by boiling sugar and water, I'll tell you that you've clearly missed the point of this purchase. I simply cannot have simple syrup without a bottle that is appropriately and beautifully labeled. Now when I run out (I estimate that to be in about a week) I can make my own and refill this gorgeous bottle.

And yes I did have it shipped to my office. Having online purchases sent to your office is like Christmas all year long.

P.S. My co-worker Tony's face has been purposely distorted to protect his identify. I already got in trouble with him yesterday for telling everyone on Facebook that he brushed his teeth at work. I don't understand why he was upset. Now everyone knows that he takes oral hygiene seriously.

Day 1- Caving to Peer Pressure

2010-11-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

Today I am a follower. It's been over a year since I blogged anything and I'm quite certain I have no followers at this point. I'm OK with that. I'm not sure I want to start blogging regularly again, but my friend SA has been pressuring me to start back up. I think she's bored with her options on reader and thinks I might have something interesting to say. She will soon find out that she was wrong.

So today I cave to peer pressure and begin 30 photos in 30 days. Amber got it from SA who stole it from Ronda.

This is what's under my desk at work.
Heat-action foot massager and my shoes. If I'm sitting at my desk, my shoes are probably off. That's just how I roll.

Bonus heater on the left side blasting warm air at my cold toes.

Hidden benefit of a heater? The soft white noise it generates completely covers the sound of my co-workers annoying voices.

Real Estate Devils-2, Me-0

2009-07-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

I'm 33 years old.
I am not married.
And I really want to own a house.

How do you buy a house without a husband? I have a feeling it's not going to be easy.

Here are my top 5 reasons it's going to be challenging for me to buy a house:

5. Short Sales Suck. The majority of the houses on the market in my area and in my price range are short sales. This means that the current owner owes more than the house is worth. This makes things tricky because instead of just having an owner/seller accept my offer, I also have to have the bank that currently owns the house accept my offer as well. And I've found banks aren't as nice as they seem on TV. I am the backup offer on a short sale house. It's been 6 weeks. Good news? The bank hasn't responded to the offer (the sellers accepted my backup offer) so that gives more time for the 1st guy to drop out. Bad news? The 1st guy hasn't dropped out yet.

4. Economic growth. The stupid economy is rebounding, but only in real estate, and only in my area, and only in my price range, and only with the houses I'm interested in. It seems I'm in a hot demographic and houses are now going for $20,000 more than asking price. DAMN YOU OBAMA! Can you please let me buy a house before you fix the economy? Or you could just buy me a house. That would work too.

3. Turn-key. That's the phrase for just moving your crap in and not doing anything. Unfortunately, buying at the top of my price range means no upgrades when I move in. I might be able to afford paint, but new carpet and appliances will be out of the question. You would think I could just buy a house that's even cheaper to make up for it, but sadly I'm already at the cheap end of the pool.

2. Realtors can be mean. I know real estate is a business and people make money on it, but is it too much to ask for some common courtesy? I was the first person to put in an offer on this certain house. I offered asking price and would pay my own closing costs. It was a fair deal. I submitted the offer on Tuesday morning and the selling agent said they would let me know in a day or two. On Friday they had an open house and said they would let me know in a day or so. They had 2 more open houses on Saturday and Sunday and still have not given me a decision. Now I know that they are trying to get more for the house. I completely understand that. But is it too much to ask for them to just reject my offer? If they were pricing it low, shouldn't they have come back and let me put in a higher bid? It's been over a week and they haven't said either way. I know I'm not going to get the house, but stringing me along is just not necessary.

1. Single income. That's right people, I have to make it on my own. I don't have anyone else's salary to put into this thing so I have to adjust my standards a little. Maybe a lot. I might not be able to afford granite countertops, stainless appliances, hardwood floors, 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, 3 car garage, pool, large backyard, all on 5 acres with a stream running through. And I might not be able to find a place in my price range in the area I want to be in. I might have to settle for the scary ghetto places. The ones with their own unique entertainment (hey friends, let's go down to the corner and watch the prostitutes pick up Johns!!).

So that's what my life has been consumed with for the past month or two. I'm still looking. I have not yet given up. Although my spirit is a little crushed. And I don't feel the excitement I did in the beginning.

That last paragraph could also describe my outlook on dating.

Nothing there

2009-06-08T14:32:00.001-07:00

Do you ever feel like you have nothing to say? There's not one thought in your mind racing to get out. Everything worthwhile has already been said. There is no more?

And even if you could find the words to say, it wouldn't matter because no one is listening anyway.

Yeah I got nothing.

My brain is seriously empty.

Rehire?

2009-05-12T12:46:00.001-07:00

Question. If your company fired someone for being drunk on the job (for months!!) would you rehire him? That's what my boss is pushing for.

Let me clarify just a little. He was fired for drinking while at work, he started sleeping at his desk, he had multiple unexplained absences, and finally when he didn't show up for 2 days (without calling) his Dad came in to pick up his stuff.

He's over 40 years old!

Would you hire him back?

Molly Lady Boobs

2009-05-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

That little beauty of a search term brought people to my blog 9 times this month.

I fear my good friend Molly is branching out into porn and hasn't told me. But what a sweet stage name. So much better than Molly Man Boobs (AKA Molly Moobs).

Perhaps I should mention boobs a little less. Perhaps it is not possible for me to do so.

Also, Lady Crabs Infection got 2 hits. I really hope someone was looking for WebMD and not some nasty pics of an STD.

Harry Potter Pick Up Lines

2009-05-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

I love blogs. Really I do. I have some I read immediately (16 Paws, I'm looking at you!), but I try not to post a comment that fast because then I might look like a stalker. Unfortunately, I really only read blogs at work. It's the first thing I do in the morning and I'm constantly checking it all day. That means that over the weekend, blogs pile up and it can take me all day to get through them. Yesterday as I was catching up, I came across a brilliant Top 10 list. (Seriously, who doesn't love Top 10 lists?) Top 10 HP Pick Up Lines

Of course I love Harry Potter (who doesn't?) and had to forward this post on to Molly who will also appreciate it. She did. What happened later (during 24 no less!) was a 2 hour marathon of additional pick up lines. Molly and I are sitting 3 feet away from each other, watching some episodes of 24 (Bad Tony? Good Tony? I'm confused!) and texting each other our creative little gems.

Here are some of the best.

Are you a dementor? Because you make me weak.
Is that a Socerer's Stone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Let's play a game of strip wizard's chess.
Wanna see my petrificus totalus?
Wanna play with my golden snitch?
I'm so good you'll be a Moaning Myrtle.
Would you like to see my Little Lord Voldemort?
Get some cuffs and we can play prisoner of Azkaban.
Wanna see my little half blood prince?
I've got HoneyDukes right here...in my pants!
I wanna Slytherin my way under your sheets.
I'm hung like a centaur.
Can I hide my basilisk in your Room of Requirement?
You, me and the house elf makes three.

And alternatively, we had 1 HP insult: I wouldn't touch you if you Polyjuiced yourself into Heidi Klum!

Did I mention that we giggled every time we sent and received one of these priceless beauties? Do you have any good ones?

Holy Huge Boob Lady

2009-04-10T12:36:00.000-07:00

Molly came over on Monday to catch up on a couple episodes of 24 and to bake some delicious cookies. As per our usual, we made some pizza-related dinner and settled in to watch so espionage (and of course completely forgot to make the cookies). After the first episode, we had some time to kill before the live one started, so we watched House.

Yeah I know. House isn't as exciting as it once was. How many times can you watch someone vomit blood, or pee blood, or get a bloody nose? If you ask me, they don't use eye bleeding enough. (creeped myself out there!)

But we watched anyway. And we were richly rewarded.

With this.

We spent some considerable time estimating the size of just that one boob. I admit that God has overly blessed me in that area and I am usually the person with the biggest boobs in any given room, but this lady makes me look like a Barely B. The sheer enormity of it in relation to her hand is incredible. Which is why Molly made me take a picture of it. She's a sick freak too.

P.S. Today is casual Friday so my boss (who isn't not exactly thin) is wearing stretch pants with a t-shirt tucked into them. It's truly a hideous sight. I'll try to get a pic for you!

Freakin' Friday

2009-04-03T10:09:00.001-07:00

I'm so glad it's finally Friday.

I might kill my boss today.

Or I might just have to help bury the body.

It's undetermined at this point.

Lice? Crabs? Yeast Infection?

2009-03-17T15:20:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. You don't like the way this is going, do you? I'm sorry, but I just have to share the most disgusting thing I have seen in a long time.

Not once, not twice, but three times (so far) today I have seen my boss squat down a little and scratch HER crotch. Was she sly and just doing it in her office? Nope. Two times she was standing right in front of my desk. I got the show from the front and then from the back.

Disgusting, right?

I'd never seen a woman (other than Paris Hilton) do this. I know men are gross and like to re-position, but ladies? Can you at least wait until you get behind your desk to root around in there?

Get Funky on my Grand Railroad

2009-03-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I visiting my parents in the redwood paradise known as Humboldt County. The goal was to help my Dad set up his satellite TV system and we succeeded. We also took part in essential HC traditions like eating at Ferndale Pizza and Las Caz, and we threw in some Porter Street and Hot Brew too (BONUS!! I saw Amber's Mom at Hot Brew! She didn't know who I was, but was very polite to this psycho chick acting like she knew her). Yes it was a weekend of food. And it was glorious! My Dad even made waffles. Twice! Golden Brown Delicacies indeed!

So this was pretty much an awesome weekend right there. Lots of great food, bonding time with Dad, hanging out with Mom, got to see Grandma.

Awesome.

And then it got awesomer.

My friend Rachel got us all tickets to a show. Right in the front. I could feel the spit.

Who was this showstopper?

Grand Funk Railroad. Now I'll admit, I had heard their name, but had no idea what they sang. So of course I wiki'd them. I even youtube'd them to hear some songs. I was still clueless. I didn't even know they were still a group.

They are!

And they totally rocked Trinidad! At first I was concerned because the first band member out looked like an old lesbian, and the next guy out had legs the size of toothpicks, even with leather pants!! But they knew how to party. And the guy from KISS was kinda hot, in a druggie, old man with raging STDs kind of way. Plus he was great on the guitar. But the true star of the show was the drummer. That man wailed on those drums. At first I thought I was having heart palpitations, but really it was just those beats pumping through my chest. Once I realized I wasn't going to go into cardiac arrest, I enjoyed it.

So thanks to Rachel (and Mark!) for the amazing show. Thanks to my Dad for the waffles (and the gas money). And thanks to my Mom for making sure my room was perfect and comfy.

Methinks someone was a little generous with the codpiece

2009-03-03T12:03:00.000-08:00

I honestly can't remember my life before I knew about this. I don't remember how I found it, I just know I have been able to knock off 2 hours of my work day, by browsing through this thing.

Click on it.

Trust me.

It's like SkyMall, but a little creepier and even more overpriced. And you can pick up a gently used Alpine Racer for a steal.

Ok since you want to be lazy, I'll show you a few of my favorites from Michael Jackson's auction.

#383 Lladro Figural Group Featuring MJ. $2,000-3,000
If you insist on immortalizing yourself in ceramics, try to be represented with "timeless" clothing. He looks like an early 90's soccer Mom. Gawdy belt, white socks, baggy jeans. Or maybe he just completely missed the hip hop ghetto style.

#940 Life-Size Girl Statue $80-120
Poor Shirley Temple. She's got the MJ disease. If you look closely you can see the white splotches on her skin. That's assuming you can get past the demonic stare.

I'm not sure what the appeal is for having life-size dolls/statues. They creep me out and I'm only looking at a picture. However, I can imagine MJ sitting at the dinner table with Shirley and a bunch of other "friends" silently listening to him tell stories about how he and Bubbles used to own the world.

#802 (left) Batman Statue $800-1,200
#803 (right) MJ Batman Statue $200-300
These beauties are life-size replicas. That's right, not only can you have Michael Keaton/Val Kilmer/Christian Bale's plastic-sculpted manly goodness standing around your house, but you can also have a full-size MJ (in 1990 Halloween Costume) lurking and scaring the crap out of everyone. Better put this one in the closet.

I really hope I win the lottery tomorrow. I'm not sure I can resist bidding on the 1988 Limo for $4,000. That's a bargain that shouldn't be passed up.

I Kill Things

2009-02-25T09:52:00.000-08:00

No not people. Things. Like my own hopes and dreams. And the beautiful plant I got from Ikea a couple months ago.

Not sure if I watered it too much or not enough. Doesn't matter now. It's down to 2 leaves. Unless I want to just stare at the empty stalk. But that seems sad.

Thank goodness I saw this picture.

I cannot stop laughing!

The F Word

2009-02-18T07:50:00.001-08:00

You know how a few years ago everyone got all excited when Janet Jackson's boob made an appearance at the Super Bowl? Yeah that sucked. Why? Because I don't watch the Super Bowl so I was out of the loop. And for a girl that likes to be in the pop culture "know" it was devastating. Not that I wanted to actually see the boob, but I would have liked to been part of the outrage/shock/hilarity.

Thank goodness I'm on board for the next great FCC moment. Did you catch it?

On last night's "The Biggest Loser" (Yes I know, but I like it. It's my crying show- just like my Dad has Home Makeover) the bitchy green chick said the F word. And NBC didn't bleep it out. Hallelujah I have a DVR! I was able to rewind and confirm that she did indeed say the word and it was there in all it's shockingness (yes that's a real word now).

While I'm talking about BL, I think it's worth noting that Bob is hot. However this season I'm concerned. What's the deal with the flashy gold Rolex? He and Jillian are both sporting them. And some obnoxiously huge gold rings. Do you get a better workout when you're loaded down with bling?

Bathroom Junk

2009-02-10T10:38:00.001-08:00

I was working in So Cal for the last 3 weeks and now that I'm back in the office I realize I have to retrain myself. I keep walking to the bathroom without the key and then I have to go back, get it, walk back to the bathroom, and endure the shameful stares from the people watching me make this journey multiple times in quick succession.

Apparently I've been working at locations that have a lower threat level for the toilets. Like the airport. They are mad crazy strict about you removing your shoes and not carrying more than a certain amount of liquids (I HATE 3-1-1), but the john is open territory.

Perhaps it should scare me that I work in a place that feels that it's necessary to put a deadbolt on the facilities.

18 months is too long to wait, but it was worth it

2009-01-14T09:42:00.000-08:00

At long last my world is back in order. 24 has returned and Molly is back over watching it with me. It's about freakin' time! I was starting to think that maybe Jack Bauer isn't all I thought he was. And that Molly isn't as funny as she thinks she is. I was wrong. He's all that and more. And Molly is freakin' hilarious.

Jack started the day at a senate hearing so he's wearing a snazzy suit. Of course he looks a little older, but he's really timeless, like Sean Connery. I prefer my JB without facial hair and he delivers perfectly. I drooled for the first 4 minutes of the show.

Somewhere along the way he trades in the suit for a more casual outfit. Except I don't remember him changing clothes before the big Tony hunt. It's possible Molly and I were on some tangent and missed part of the show. We'll need to be more focused next time.

The biggest news for Season 7 is the return of Tony.

Looking impossibly hot for a guy that's been dead for 3 years. MMMMM. Tony is definitely my new Carlos. Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Doesn't matter to me. Just talk in that scratchy whisper and I'm happy.

Some old favorites are back as well. Bill Buchanan (or the Silver Fox as Molly and I like to call him) and Chloe.

Chloe is looking great this season. Somehow she gets prettier every year, but also more geeky. It's a skill.

They introduced Janis. I think she's Chloe-lite. She seems a little confused most of the time. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before we see a little revenge of these nerds. (HAHAHA I'm so funny!)

But the best part of the show is still Jack. Even though Tony is making it easier to turn my eyes away.

(I know you're jealous of my superior photo editing skills. How sad that you will have to live every day knowing that my skills are more awesome than yours.)

Here are some Jack Bauer facts to make you feel better about yourself.

If everyone on “24″ followed Jack Bauer’s instructions, it would be called “12″.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
Jack Bauer once arm wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
It’s no use crying over spilt milk… Unless that was Jack Bauer’s milk. Oh you are so screwed.
If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Jack Bauer doesn’t speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

You're welcome.

Goodbye 2008

2008-12-31T08:20:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that another year has gone by. It feels like everything has changed and nothing has changed. This seems like the perfect time to quickly look at some of the events of the year, both the highs and lows.

Highs

Experienced the genius of Dexter for the first time (and second, and third).
Had the most amazing vacation in Tulum ever.
Had some great times with Marianne: Bodies Revealed, shopping, and Disneyland.
Rediscovered the raw power of Oz.
Downloaded Ms. Pacman onto my phone and became exponentially more awesome.
Refined the qualities I'm looking for in a man. And found an outlet to search for Mr. Not-Horrible.
Baby Miabella was born.
Fell in love with Don Draper.
Finally bought a Wii and became the most awesome person ever at Mario Kart.
Traveled for work with Dyena & Laura
Vince Vaughn

Lows

Became annoyed with people who insist on taking pictures of themselves sleeping in on holidays when I have to work.
Became annoyed with people in the bathroom.
Became annoyed with my boss.
Mourned the loss of good TV for far too long because of the writer's strike.
Sprained my ankle and had to hop around for a month.
Lost my work buddy.
Vince Vaughn.

All in all, it was a great year! The good far outweighed the bad. I'm looking forward to an even better 2009!

And yes, this entire post is the equivalent of a TV clip show. Be glad it wasn't a very special episode about our changing bodies.

I just died a little

2008-12-22T09:10:00.000-08:00

I may never recover from this.

My world is crumbling.

Cookie Party 2008

2008-12-16T13:46:00.000-08:00

This Saturday was our 6th Annual Christmas Cookie Decorating Party, and Molly and I had a great time, as always. Friday night we made the Cream Cheese Roll-Out Cookies since they are the cookies everyone decorates. Here are the 2 huge pans of plain cookies.

We also ended up making the dough for some of the others since they needed to refrigerate anyway.

We both woke up early on Saturday, eager to get started. Here we are before everyone showed up.

See the aprons? We're such professionals!

We got started baking the Maple Yule Logs (since those also need to be frosted) and setting up the living room. My house is pretty small so I had to move some furniture out so I could fit all the tables and chairs in.

We only put out about half the sprinkles that we had and they still didn't make a dent in them. Maybe we can stop buying sprinkles this year.

Our Pre-Party started around 11:30 am when Kim arrived. She's our favorite decorator and she is fantastic at baking as well so we recruited her help early. I think she's doing dishes here.

See why we love having her around? She helped frost the Maple Yule Logs, made the Santa's Thumb Prints, manned the oven for long periods of time and was in charge of the icing. She was in charge of the icing last year and did such a great job that it might now be her permanent job. Anything we need done, Kim's right there ready to help out. Plus she comes up with some really cute cookie decorations!

This year we tried something new. Kim made a big batch of icing and then we transferred it to small containers to mix in the color. Then the icing was funnelled into squeeze bottles. It was a brilliant idea that either Molly or I got from some one's blog (and unfortunately I can't figure out which one so I can't thank the genius who thought of this). Here are about 1/2 our icing bottles.

You would not believe how much easier it was to decorate the cookies with the bottles as opposed to tubs of icing and knives and toothpicks. Plus it was much less messy!

Here's Matea showing her 2-bottle method.

I should also mention that Tea was a huge help as well. She was a champion icing mixer and stamped most of the Stamped Butter Cookies.

Mia even stopped by for a while.

She was wearing the most adorable pink boots. She came ready to party!

Here are some of the final products.

I believe these beauties are Kim's creations.

By the end of the day, we had made Cream Cheese Roll-Out Cookies (the ones with the cute colored icing), Gingerbread men, Santa's Thumbprints (peanut butter cookies with a Hershey kiss on top), Dipped Pretzels, Molasses Crinkles (I think they are really called Big Soft Ginger Cookies), Maple Yule Logs, Stamped Butter Cookies, and Amber's Award Winning Snickers Fudge (which we made and then forgot about so it all stayed at my house- Darn!).

We had a fantastic time and were so glad we could share that time with friends. Thanks to everyone who helped and we'll see you next year!

Oh one last thing. Of course we had to make the penis cookie. I told you last year that it's a tradition. One of these unlucky little dudes ended up losing a ball. He was still delicious. Plus it just seems mean to fault a guy for only having one ball.

We also made penis cookies out of the gingerbread dough (technically I made a toad stool). Sadly, after tasting them, we decided we actually could go back. (Get it? The dough was black).

No fun at work?

2008-12-10T09:50:00.000-08:00

I wasn't anticipating any fun today at work. We're having our Christmas lunch which means I'll have to spend extra time fake smiling and pretending to care about my co-workers. Plus I have to look really appreciative when my boss gives me a $20 Borders gift card instead of a bonus. Oh joy! But we do get to go home after lunch and if I have a drink or two then I'm sure the work peeps will seem much more interesting.

I've been sitting here for 2 hours dreading this lunch and generally being a scrooge, until I saw this video:

Now I can't stop giggling! And I have the words "Jizzed in my pants" on a continuous loop in my head.

This is going to be the best work lunch ever! (But it would still be better with Dyena)

P.S. How did Andy Samberg suddenly get hot? He was hideous in the daredevil crap movie of his. Maybe it's the haircut. He was out of control before. Hmm. IMDB says he's a native of Berkeley. Figures. And since when is Jeffrey from Project Runway his side kick? I didn't see that coming.

Long Beach Vacation

2008-11-26T08:06:00.000-08:00

Last week I took a little mini vacation and visited my good buddy Marianne in Long Beach. Marianne and I were co-workers many moons ago and we've stayed good friends.

Please join me for a little recap of my fabulous time with Marianne:

On Wednesday night, I flew down there on Jet Blue, which was a new experience for me. I was expecting Southwest with blue details instead of red ones. What I got was this.

My very own TV screen right in front of me. AND 40 DirecTV channels to choose from. I watched a little House marathon and arrived too soon. I never think plane rides are short, but I could have stayed on there a while longer. Bonus: Hugh looks just as great on a little screen as he does on my TV at home.

On Thursday, Marianne and I took the Metro to Universal Studios. We saw lots of interesting people on the ride, but I couldn't get a picture of them because they could all have beaten me up. I know my limits.

We arrived at US and immediately took the Studio Backlot Tour. I love seeing the sets and locations for movies and shows, so this was right up my alley. One of the highlights for me?

It's Wisteria Lane!!! I was really hoping to see Carlos, but he wasn't around. It's probably for the best because I would have launched myself right out of that tram and into his arms. It would have caused a whole scene. People would have been uncomfortable by our PDA. They'd yell at us to get a room. Marianne would have to spend the rest of the day by herself while Carlos and I got to know each other better. See? It worked out better this way.

After the Studio Tour we wandered over to a big, colorful building, thinking it might be a bathroom.

It wasn't a bathroom! Curiously Apu wasn't behind the register. I was a little disappointed.

Would you believe they had Duff beer in there? It was horribly expensive so I couldn't get it for my brother. I'm sure he's devastated.

Then we saw a portrait studio set up. And of course we had to jump in.

Maggie was MIA, but that was OK. Check out how chummy Homer was getting with me.

Next up was the Simpson's Ride. I didn't do so well on that one. Here are Marianne and I in line for this ride.

Believe it or not, that's me with lots of color on my face. I was completely white when we got out of that ride. I don't do crazy jerky motions. Yes it was a motion simulator ride. Yes I am a wimp. Shut up.

After a long day, we rode the Metro back to Long Beach and tried to avoid the undesirables pressing up against us.

The next day we were off to Disneyland!! It was the first day of the Christmas decorations and it was beautiful!

Here's Sleeping Beauty's Castle all decorated and lit up.

Did you know that it snows at Disneyland in the winter? It was so pretty!

Of course Marianne and I get there and we immediately head to our favorite ride:

Pirates was amazing, as always. It's funny how that ride can take you back in time and make you feel like a kid again. I think it's the smell of the water.

We then went on to The Haunted Mansion. It's never been my favorite ride, mostly because the line is so long and the ride seems so blah. But this time it was amazing. It was all decorated as The Nightmare Before Christmas.

It was a definite improvement over the normal house. Unfortunately I hadn't seen the movie, so now I would be forced to buy it. Along with some other Nightmare merchandise. I'm such a sucker for shopping.

We wandered around the park and went on more rides and finally ended up over at It's A Small World. We had heard that it was decorated for Christmas so we were excited to see what they did. We were standing in line at 5:00 when we heard over the loudspeaker, "countdown with us... 3... 2... 1." And WOW!!! All the lights came on and it was spectacular!

The outside was amazing and the inside was great too. I even took a video of the entire ride so my Dad could watch it. He absolutely HATES this ride. I think when I was around 8 I made him go on it with me 5 times in a row and he couldn't get the song out of his head for days. I'm sure he'll be delighted to watch the 12 minute video of the ride with me.

We went back to Disneyland the next day and had another awesome time. Lots of laughs, shopping, rides, it was perfect. I only wish it hadn't gone by so fast. I'll definitely have to visit again soon.

Thanks for the amazing time Marianne!!

The Stages of Grief

2008-11-18T07:30:00.000-08:00

I've had a difficult couple of days. I won't bore you with the circumstances, but let's just say I was disappointed by someone. Although disappointed doesn't really express the depth of my emotions. I have been profoundly sad. Deeply hurt. Incredibly confused.

And I don't process these emotions well. They come out in big wet sobs. I look nothing like this:

Instead I have swollen, red, itchy eyes. My eye make-up is streaked down my cheeks. My nose is pink from all the blowing. And my lips are puffy and pouty. OK so my lips look exactly like Angie's. But you don't even notice them because of the rest of the mess going on.

The worst is crying at work. Yesterday my friend sent me an email asking how I was doing. That's all she wrote and I completely lost my composure. I couldn't even write back because I had to run to the bathroom to try to get control.

And then some of the work peeps know something is going on, but they don't know if they should ask (they shouldn't!). And others have no idea you're having the day from hell and they think you are a colossal bitch because you won't look them in the eye (I try not to anyway) and walk away from them when they are talking.

I think I'm just about done with this though. I've gone through the denial and the depression, both of which made me question my sanity and my value as a person. I quickly went through anger and have come out on the other side. I accept it for what it is. I see the intentional cruelty of the situation, but harbor no ill will toward the evil doer. I only want happiness for all.

I really do want world peace.

Sirius-XMas

2008-11-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure about this whole XM/Sirius combo deal.

I've been hearing little snippets about the new partnership for a long time, but until today it didn't really impact me. I was sitting at work and decided it was time to tune out the co-workers (I had spent a whole 4 minutes with them) and tune into Ethel and get my Alt Rock on. I'm sure you can sympathize with my confusion as I heard the familiar strains of InnerPartySystem Don't Stop but saw that the channel was listed as Alt Nation. WTF!?!? Who changes a channel name from the sublime Ethel to Alt Nation. Clearly this is a Sirius issue. Bastards! Why can't they just go back where they belong?

So I proceeded to check out my other channels and see if I was now getting any new stuff. I wonder if I'm paying more money? Do I have to listen to Howard Stern now? Who really needs or wants to listen to Playboy radio? I can only imagine what that's all about. Anyway, I somehow landed on Holly, which is just about the best channel in the world because it plays all Christmas music.

And that's when my day took a sudden turn.

I'm sick. I fully admit that. I have been listening to Christmas music for the last 2 hours. I know it's only mid-November. I know people are still in the heat of passion about the nerve of retailers to have their holiday displays up. Why just last weekend I complained about the Christmas tree lots popping up all over town. I NEVER do this. I have a strict rule about no Burl Ives until Black Friday. Something is wrong with me.

Last year I had a difficult time getting into the spirit of the season. I can only vaguely remember this and this. I don't know what's different this year. There are a lot of things that could contribute to my change in attitude, but something must be really messing with me to cause this kind of psychosis. If I can figure out what it is, I'll be sure to replicate it every year. I will not be shamed by my love of Christmas. Even if it is a little premature. Nothing puts warmth in my heart quite like Dean Martin singing Let It Snow. And I'm going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

New Addiction

2008-11-07T08:19:00.000-08:00

I kind of have a lot going on in my life right now. And by a lot, I mean nothing. But I do have a new person in my life that's occupying my thoughts almost constantly. That's both a good thing and a bad thing. OK so mostly it's good, but too often my brain takes little fantasy trips that are probably not productive or helpful to me. I'm trying my hardest to stay grounded in the here and now. Unfortunately that leads me to countless moments of insecurity, worry, doubt, and panic.

The good news is that I have found a new method of re-setting my brain and pushing away all my anxieties. It's a wonderful new invention called a Puppy Cam.

It's live streaming video of 6 four-week old puppies doing their thing. And I am completely obsessed with them. I watch them sleep, eat, play, nap, stagger around, step on each other, and nap again. This is the best way to pass the time at work. They are completely adorable. It's better than watching a soap. One puppy might bitch slap another, but they end up sleeping all tangled up together 5 minutes later. OK so that sounds just like a soap. Whatever. It still makes me super excited for Puppy Bowl 2009. They should really make more shows staring puppies.

Now before you start thinking how I'm such a loser for spending 8 hours watching puppies be puppies, rest assured there are people much more loserish than me. There are people who chat on this puppy cam site. They talk about the puppies. They gave them nicknames. They named their puppy toys. Those people are sick. They cannot control their addiction. I can stop any time I want.

Oh crap! They just settled down for a nap and Mr. Pickles is swatting them trying to get someone to play. I gotta go watch this.

Can it stop now?

2008-11-05T08:30:00.000-08:00

I think I've been rather patient and pleasant the last couple months given all the stupid political crap that has been thrown at me. Flyers, emails, commercials, calls. If I get 1 more call from that bitch Dan Lundgren, I'm going to reach through the phone and stab him in the eye with a fork.

I also think that I've been quite congenial with all the people around me (including family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers and random strangers) who think I want to discuss everything negative about the person or issue they disagree with. Even though not one of them asked my opinion, but rather assumed that I loathed Obama/Palin/Prop 8 as vehemently as they did.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person I know that can truly see both sides of the issues and be able to recognize the positive and negative traits of all the candidates. Not that it matters very much. I still think David Palmer would have been the best Prez ever.

The best part about election season, aside from it being over, is that it gives Molly and I yet another reason to get together and have fun. You see Molly is still registered to vote at my house, even though she hasn't lived there in 3 or 4 years, so we make an evening out of it. This year we got to vote in some one's garage. Here's Molly being all patriotic.

So now that we've all voted, I think it's time to get back to normal. It's time to focus on the things that really matter in life. Like the real reason Erica Hahn is being kicked off Grey's Anatomy. Is it because they made her character a lesbian? Doesn't seem fair to fire her for doing her job. And is Pam Beasley ever coming back to Scranton? I think this long distance crap has been going on too long. And when she does come back, is she going to take her old job back? What's going to happen to Ryan? And do I need to go back and watch the last season of 24 so I remember who everyone is during the 2 hour movie/mini-show coming up in 3 weeks?

It's possible I might have an unnatural attachment to the characters I see on TV. But tell me, how is that any different than having the same unnatural attachment to the political characters you see on TV? You have never (and will never) met them in person and what they say is written by a group of clever people who are scripting the dialogue to produce a specific result or emotion from the audience. It's all fiction anyway.

Don't Molest My Pumpkin

2008-10-28T12:41:00.001-07:00

Last night was the official pumpkin carving night at my house.
This also coincided with Dexter night, which I thought was nice.

Molly came over, of course, because she comes over for all the fun holiday stuff.

Here she is bonding with her pumpkin.

I did a little research on carving while I was at work.
I printed out a couple great faces.

I don't know why I bothered.
My pumpkin ended up looking like an alien bug.

I think I just got carried away on the eyes.
It's like when we are dying Easter eggs.
I cannot control myself and before the night is done,
all my eggs are orange/brown.

Here are all 3 pumpkins.
Molly's on the left.
My stellar alien in the middle.
Alec's pervy pump on the left.

Molly and I tried to take a pic of ourselves with our pumpkins.
Apparently I have short arms.
It was a lovely evening, until Alec decided to molest my pumpkin.
It could have been my fault.
I think I might have started the "That's What She Said" game.
No good ever comes of that game.

I Hate Bugs

2008-10-24T11:23:00.000-07:00

This morning as I was innocently minding my own business and walking from my car to the elevator at work, I looked down and noticed a cockroach.

Why are these things allowed in parking garages? If I can't get in without a pass key then this vile little guy shouldn't be skating along with not a care in the world. My first instinct was to squish him. I mean it's a roach for Pete's sake. Who's going to miss him?

Then I realized that he was cruising all alone. Don't roaches hunt in packs? Where are all his roach buddies? Is he just an explorer or is he the loser that no one wants to sit next to because he smells and picks his scabs.

Suddenly I didn't want to step on him anymore. I kinda felt sorry for him. He's just trying to be his own man and no one wants to see the goodness inside of him.

Mostly I just didn't want to get roach guts on my shoes. And the potential for sprayage was a factor too.

A few hours later I go outside to drop off some mail and see a bee laying on the ground.

I don't see many bees when they are napping so I thought this was a chance to check him out without being convinced he was going to attack me.

But I didn't see any movement. He's either a deep sleeper, or he's entered the eternal slumber. I start thinking about the roach and how these two could have been friends. Like Milo & Otis. Or Bert & Ernie. I'm sure that's a great kids show just waiting to be made.

I considered stepping on the bee, but again I was overcome with compassion for a living creature. I walked away and let him nap in peace.

But mostly I was afraid I'd step right on the stinger and it would go through my shoe and the little bastard would kill me because I'm probably allergic to bee stings.

Maybe no one should be friends with the scab pickers of the world.

My Buddy is Leaving

2008-10-21T10:58:00.000-07:00

I'm very sad.
My best work buddy is leaving me.
Not by her own choice, but by the hands of The Beast.
It has been a long time coming.
The Beast cannot tolerate someone of a different ethnic flavor than her own and she's pretty much been living in terror that Dyena will pistol whip her.

The Beast is an awful person.
And an even worse boss.

Yes Hitler is more horrible, but I don't know him so she's the worst person I know.

Last Wednesday Dyena was told that her services would no longer be needed.
(I now get to do all her work. Hooray for me!)
So we headed over to eBar for drinks to celebrate her escape from hell.
There are 7 people in our office (soon to be 6)
and we don't like most of them.

So it was just Dyena, Laura and myself.

See, Dyena is doing OK.
Who wouldn't be with that drink?
She let me have a sip.
DUDE! That was good stuff.

Here are Laura and I with our margaritas.
Yummy stuff.

While we were sitting there getting drunk,
I noticed the couple behind Dyena.
The man, Mr. Feely, couldn't keep his mitts off his chick.
He had his hand between her legs and kept rubbing her.
I thought that was a bit much for 5pm.

I might not have been as discreet as I thought I was being when I told Laura and Dyena about Mr. Feely.
I guess Mr. & Mrs. Cleaver on the other side of us didn't appreciate my running commentary on Make Out '08.
But Dyena thought I was funny.

Laura is convinced that these 2 people, although wearing wedding rings, are not married to each other.
I think I agree.
Mr. Feely was staking his claim on her.
I wouldn't have been surprised to see him lift up his leg and pee on her.
Maybe she likes golden showers.

I did some seriously sweet stealth camera moves.
Especially considering I was falling off my chair drunk.
Good times.

I wonder if Dyena knows she will have to meet me for lunch every day regardless of her new employment?

One More Time People

2008-10-17T11:38:00.000-07:00

The elevator is not a garbage can. I don't understand why some of you cannot grasp this simple concept. Yes, Reeses are delicious and the urge to consume them cannot and must not be suppressed, but can't you just put the wrapper in your pocket until you get to where you are going? Is that too much to ask?

I guess it is. Since we had to have the carpet removed from the elevator since one of you keep using it as your own personal urinal.

I need to work from home.

Naked Man

2008-10-14T12:40:00.001-07:00

How can your day be anything but glorious
when you see a naked man on a balcony?
At noon.
From the steps of your office.

I know the picture doesn't show much,
but trust me.
He was strutting around in all his nude glory.

And the chest hair was magnificent.

My life is complete.

I don't like Christopher Columbus

2008-10-13T14:53:00.000-07:00

#1 He looks like a masculine nun.

#2 He has freakishly large hands.

#3 He doesn't look like he'd be much fun at parties.

#4 He's not a real reason for a holiday. He's the lamest holiday we have. Except for Labor Day. But I even like Labor Day better. Labor Day = camping, the smell of the fire, ice cream cones, long rides in the truck, morning naps and afternoon naps.

#5 He let everyone else sleep in late, watch game shows in their pjs and take a nap. All this while I'm stuck at work. Not that I'm doing any actual work. But I'm still here. I had to wake up at the butt crack of dawn. I had to dress in actual clothes and not even sweats (stupid management frowns on that). And I have not had a proper nap (too uncomfortable while sitting at my desk).

Yup. CC definitely sucks. Makes me feel better that he's known for being a lame ass.

Congrats! It's a Baby

2008-10-09T12:02:00.000-07:00

These are all my children with different men.

Can you guess who the baby daddy is?

#1) Hint: He looks great in black leather.
Surprise! The daddy is Kirk Cameron. I just had to see if my instincts were right about my childhood crush. Yup. Our kids would be adorable.

His name is Boner. Kirk felt the need to throw that dude a bone since he's done nothing since the 80s. Well nothing except blow.

#2) Hint: Another former teen star. Go Bayside!
Surprise! The daddy is Mario Lopez. Isn't it strange how the kid looks like Jessica Alba? Maybe I'm not the real mom. Or maybe I'm really Jessica Alba. That would be sweet!

His name is Zach. That way he can have a band and call it Zach Attack. Because some things are too awesome not to become reality.

#3) Hint: He's spent some time in Las Vegas.
Surprise! The daddy is Josh Duhamel. Suck on that Fergie!
The bad news is that our child looks like some kind of Aryan prince. Probably an evil dictator in the making. I blame Josh's bad genes.

His name is Adolph. Can't go wrong with that name.

#4) Hint: He smokes too much, but can sell you anything.
Surprise! The daddy is Don Draper (or John Hamm). I guess his kids look as constipated as he does sometimes. It's okay. I'd do anything for a real man like that. Even put up with "poopie face."

His name is Captain. With a name like that, you're guaranteed success.

#5) Hint: He looks like Animal from The Muppets
Surprise! The daddy is Adrian Grenier. And the baby is an Orson Welles doll. I was really hoping for some of Adrian's curls to show up. Maybe with our next kid.

His name is Lizard. Because quirky Hollywood types like crazy names.

#6) Hint: He's a little desperate, but I love him.
Surprise! The daddy is Ricardo Chavira. That's Carlos on Desperate Housewives. I'd be willing to make lots of babies with him. I'm just waiting for a call back.

His name is Jesus. Doesn't everyone want a baby named Jesus?

#7) Hint: His intentions might be cruel, but he's fine.
Surprise! The daddy is Ryan Phillipe. Apparently his other kids take after Reece.

His name is Pastor. He already has a Deacon. (HA! I slay me!)

#8) Hint: He can deliver packages to me all day.
Surprise! The daddy is Victor Williams. Come on! It's Deacon from King of Queens. Wow! We have one cute baby there. I think it's a girl. Either way, precious.

Her name is Precious. And no, we didn't name her after the dog in Silence of the Lambs. That's sick.

#9) Hint: He's a swinger
Surprise! The daddy is Vince Vaughn. I think he might be practicing for his mug shot. He takes after daddy!

His name is Vince Jr and we call him Vinny. He looks like he could grow up to be a mobster. Or a butcher.

And finally,

#10) Hint: He can crash my wedding any day.
Surprise! The daddy is...okay so this one is Vince Vaughn too. But really, who wouldn't want multiple kids with him? I think this one is my favorite.

His name is Vince Jr. and we call him VJ. Vince and I are going to start our own empire with children all named Vince. Just like the Foreman's.

Special thanks to VW for giving me 3 hours of entertainment at work. I couldn't have survived the morning without you!

Dear Beast

2008-10-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

It's Monday. And I know how you are uber-annoying on Mondays, so I thought this would be an appropriate time to list all the reasons you are awful. Just in case you aren't aware of all the reasons you suck.

8) Your hair.

No you aren't Donald Trump. And you aren't a man (I think), but you do still have horrible hair. How a woman can have hair that bad is beyond me. I'm convinced you don't comb it in the back. Ever. And the short 80's lesbian cut is just not flattering on you. Not at all.

7) Your habit of talking over everyone.

I'm sorry. Someone must have given you the false impression that someone on the planet cares what you have to say. Trust me, that person isn't in this building. And if you ask me a question, at least pretend to listen to my answer. That would greatly reduce the odds of me punching you in the ear.

6) Your clothes.

Where's the flood? How can you buy new clothes that still don't fit properly. I'm not asking for trendy clothes, but something that covered your purple cankles would be appreciated. Oh and while I'm thinking of it, maybe you could wash them every once in a while. Your BO stench is starting to peel the paint off the walls.

5) Your coughing for attention

Yes we know you have entered the office. Did you see how we all scattered like rats so we didn't have to make eye contact with you? We know you are here. Coughing to announce your presence makes no difference. Except that now we all do it just to make ourselves laugh. Do you need attention that badly that you are willing to damage your esophagus to get a half-hearted "good morning" from the mail guy?

4) You are racist

We all know it. You do everything you can to exclude Dyena and avoid her at all costs. I know you are afraid she will pistol whip you. It's not her you should be worried about. HB has mentioned on several occasions that she wants to push you down the stairs.

3) You live in a fantasy world.

Stop conspiratorially asking me if I think someone is stealing reams of paper. No one is. You just have no clue how much paper you consume. Here's a hint. More than the rest of us combined. You don't need to print out every email you receive and send. And by the way, we're going to need more file cabinets for all your paper. And no, I don't think anyone is stealing file cabinets.

2) You think we are friends.

We are not. I avoid talking to you. I understand that you have no friends and no life outside work, but that doesn't make us friends. Yes I've known you for 3 years. That still doesn't make us friends. My dog died 2 years ago and you still ask me how he's doing.

1) Your position.

In no way are you qualified for a management position and you prove that every day. You have the obsessive need to control everything in the office and yet take no responsibility for anything. You think you are always right and only ask for opinions to validate your own.

Don't you think it's time to retire?

Wow I feel lots better now. I think I might just survive another day here.

eHarmony Thinks I'm Illiterate

2008-10-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

That's the only explanation I can come up with for why they are intentionally matching me with non-readers. Yes it's true that I enjoy a nice trashy gossip mag (Thanks EW!) or a completely useless and utterly depressing mag (Cosmo rocks my world), but that doesn't mean that I only look at the pictures. Although to be honest, the story means nothing without the pics.

I have read some meaningful things in my day. Steinbeck, Twain, Dostoyevsky, James, Dickens, Fitzgerald, Brontë, Austen, Joyce, Thoreau. OK so most of these were read as a requirement for English or literature classes in high school and college. But they still count. And who's to say that Kinsella, Patterson, Evanovich, Rice, and Grisham are any less authory than the classics? They all entertain me. And in fact, I enjoy a good Shopaholic book better than most other books. Does that make me shallow or illiterate?

Don't answer that.

So why is it that eHarmony keeps matching me with people who are proud to admit their greatest literary achievement is reading hunting magazines? There must be some question I answered that led the computer to determine I would be blissfully happy with someone who loves to read about ammo and gutting a deer. I'm afraid to even get to know these men better. What if this is just the tip of the ice berg? What if eHarmony has assumed I would enjoy actually skinning an animal and has now indicated this to men? What is eHarmony telling people about me that just isn't true?

Maybe it's just telling people I'm shallow and read cheap novels and gossip mags. Bastards!

Dear Bladder

2008-09-30T11:03:00.000-07:00

I am no longer amused. Obviously you think it's funny to wake me up 5 minutes before the alarm goes off. You know I can't hold it. I'm going to have to get up. And now I have 4 minutes to sleep before I'm brutally assaulted by the incessant ringing of that stupid alarm.
Why must you terrorize me? At first it was just annoying. Like when some a-hole cuts me off in traffic. I'm upset, but I get over it quickly because I know just up the road he will be pulled over by a hero in black & white who will deliver a ticket with a quick punch to the face. And I smile.

But you aren't just annoying anymore. You've moved past annoying to being on my "I hate you" list. You are like the dude that wanted to have a "relationship" and who bugged me non-stop to give him a chance and when I did he stopped talking to me. I don't understand. I give you everything you need. I take care of you and nurture you and give you the good stuff sometimes. And still you treat me like a 2 dollar whore? Where did I go wrong?

And how can I kill you without killing myself?

Can you say inappropriate?

2008-09-24T14:41:00.000-07:00

This day has gone from bad to worse.

We just had an office birthday party. 7 people who don't like each other singing off key and eating dry cake. And that's the good part.

We had to endure 8 minutes of our boss reminiscing about how her mom died of Alzheimer's 3 years ago. It wasn't even her birthday. If she wasn't the one who signs my time sheet I'd considering bumping her off the balcony.

For my birthday I'm just calling in sick.

This Day Is Going To Suck

2008-09-24T07:27:00.000-07:00

I'm just sure of it.

Reason #1: 4:00AM- Was harshly woken up by the stench of skunk.

Reason #2: 4:01AM- Crashed my shin into some random piece of furniture and left a huge bump, scratch and bruise.

Reason #3: 4:02AM to 6:00AM- Couldn't go back to sleep because the skunk smell had permeated every room and my leg was throbbing.

Reason #4: 7:15AM- My nasal passages seem to have been singed. I cannot breathe.

Reason #5: 7:30AM- I am starting to like Coldplay. God help me!

Seriously, what a douche!

It's Lu Time

2008-09-23T15:10:00.000-07:00

I recently had little Lucy stay with me.

She's a nut.

She loves biting my fingers.
I really thought it was a phase and that she'd grow out of it.

I guess not.

And she doesn't hold still very well for pics.

She's mostly just a blur.
A black and white Boston Terrier blur.

Until she's played out.

Then she finds a nice spot on the couch.
And she positions the pillow exactly where she wanted it.

And then starts snoring.

I love me some hot water

2008-09-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

Really I could care less about the water. It's the water delivery guy. He always makes me happy. Gives me a little fluttering feeling inside. I'm sure it's because we share a deep and meaningful connection that only two people who are truly in love can feel.

Or it's just because he's hot.

Today I upped the ante a little. I gave him a new smile. I looked out of the corner of my eye and gave him a slow sexy grin.

I think he knows what that means.

That I'm too shy to actually open my mouth and say something to him. But to be fair, he's total perfection (granted he hasn't said much so far so it's hard to accurately calculate his level of intellect, but really do I care?). Tall, dark, sexy. And he wears that Culligan shirt just a tad tight. Just the way I like it. And when he hoists two 5 gallon bottles on his shoulders I swoon.

I really need to drink more water.

It's a Great Day

2008-09-18T11:13:00.001-07:00

I only have 3 hours left at work.

Notice how Dwight is happy about it too?

I just got a SBG full of DC.

I will soon be running to the bathroom. But really that makes the day go by faster too.

I've got non-stop Korn on the XM

I'm wearing a shirt that shows miles of cleavage.
Sorry no pic of that little bit of fabulocity.
You'll live.

My phone just rang (stupid unlisted number). But my ringtone scored points with the new guy. I guess he's a Rob Zombie fan. He was all excited and came over ("was that a white zombie ringtone?") and started telling me about his signed copies of blah blah. I don't know what he was talking about, but I know I'm now his favorite co-worker.

I'm rockin' an awesome piece of bubble gum that let's me blow some serious poppers.

I think I must have surprised myself with this pic. I'm not sure what the look is for.

And finally, we saw this in the parking lot at lunch.

Oh yeah, baby! That says I heart cock. It even had a cute little cartoon of a rooster.
I wonder if this dude really likes cock or if it's just someone messing with him. Now I really want to know. Not that it's any of my business.

DAMMIT! The straw on my SBG just split open so now I'm gonna be sucking down air with my DC. Here come the burps. And I really really have to pee.

I Am Not A Phone Sex Operator

2008-09-18T11:13:00.000-07:00

Last year we took a little impromptu poll in our office to determine who has the best voice.
Somehow I won.

My prize?
I got to record the main phone message for our office.
You know those annoying automated thingys that list everyone in the whole company and their extension?

Sadly no cash was involved.
But I did get to waste an hour locked in the conference room with my feet up on the table and napping while I was "rehearsing."

Good thing I don't call the office much.
My voice sounds funny to me.

Last week a new employee started.
Shocker! He's a man. (Well kinda)
Now we need to update the phone message.
And by "we" I guess my boss meant "me."

Oh joy.

I just finished recording the new message.
Which sounds just like the old message with one more name.

I made Dyena listen to it to make sure I got everything right.
I would hate to accidentally use someone's code name.
They might catch on.

Dyena gets on the horn and starts dying laughing.
I'm confused.
I thought I sounded ok.

She proceeds to tell me I sound like a phone sex operator and mimics everything I say.

*lower voice, speak slowly and breathy*
"Thank you for calling..."

Yeah, she's a riot.

I would think Dyena is just being, well Dyena, but this isn't the first time I've been told I have that kind of voice.

Molly and Karyn have both accused me of it.
And I had a guy friend (I refuse to use the term boyfriend for him) that used to love talking to me late at night.
He said my voice got even more sexy.
He said it was soft and deep and whispery.
(Sounds like the qualities I like in my men! Hayoh!)

I guess sleepy means sexy to some people.

But now I'm thinking.
Maybe phone sex would be an ok career.
I can ooh and ahh.
I can say "Oh baby, yes"
"You sound so strong and sexy"
"I'm not wearing anything at all"
"I want you to touch me"
"It's so hot in here"

At least that's what I assume phone people do.
You can't get STDs from the phone, can you?

Wait a second.
How do all my friends know what these people sound like?
I think all my friends are pervs.

Warning Signs

2008-09-17T09:25:00.000-07:00

I just came across a brilliant article about dating, Warning Signs That You're Dating a Loser.

It's so informative and I see so much truth in it. Maybe because I have met people that clearly possessed many of these characteristics. But now I'm confused. Are all of these signs reason to run for the hills? Are some inherently worse than others and I can overlook the less threatening ones?

Let's review some of the warning signs and see what we find out.

Rough Treatment. OK yeah, this one is a deal breaker (or bone breaker). You only get one chance to hurt me. After that you won't ever see me again. I am no man's punching bag.

And my "friend" knows people who could make you disappear. (Although this boxer is really cute. Maybe we could disappear together)

Quick Attachment and Expression. We all want someone to tell us they love us. And it's flattering and sweet when someone you are starting a relationship with wants to spend time with you and thinks of a future with you. And what about love at first sight? But I can see how this can be taken too far too fast. No one wants a stalker, unless he's Marky Mark from Fear.

Isn't he cute? All brooding and dangerous. Even with the flared nostrils.

Frightening Temper. Yeah tempers aren't good. If he gets upset over nothing, that's definitely an indication of serious mental defect. It's also concerning when he constantly talks about how he beat this person up or almost killed a guy. Everyone is exposed to violence in their lives, but emotionally stable people are able to deal with it and not become consumed with rage or retribution.

Besides, if I fear you, I'll make excuses not to see you.

Killing Your Self-Confidence. Why do I need yet another person to put me down? I do a great job of it all by myself. Plus, if you make me feel like crap, why would I want to spend time with you?

Maybe you have a really big cucumber.

The Mean and Sweet Cycle. I don't forgive easily. The mean things stay with me and you can be as sweet as you want and I still can't forget what you said before. Particularly if the mean things make me question my trust in you. Trust is not an easy thing to get back. You will have to work twice as hard to repair what you destroyed. And there better be diamonds involved.

Sweet and mean isn't as delicious as sweet and sour.

It's Always Your Fault. Again, I'm great at blaming myself so I don't need anyone else around to blame me too.

And I find it incredibly endearing when a man can admit his own faults.

Breakup Panic. Once I have decided that it's time to quit, I'm done. There is no going back. There is no negotiation. I already know who you are, and I have consciously decided that you are not what I want. I know you can't/won't change. Plus, I no longer care how you feel so panicking and trying to convince me aren't going to work.

No Outside Interests. I value my alone time so you better have some friends to hang out with. I remember a while ago I was dating T. He wanted to spend every moment with me so he changed his work hours so he was on graveyard. He'd work all night and then spend all day with me, only sleeping a few hours in the morning. I quickly felt claustrophobic and like I couldn't breathe. Please give me my space.

Unless you honestly do want to go get pedicures with me.

Paranoid Control. Oops. Yeah I have recently had some questions about the other men I talk to. That's an awkward conversation. I guess every man wants to be the only man you know. Just because I have a male friend doesn't mean I'm sleeping with him. But I might be. If we aren't exclusive, then I may have other interests. And the whole phone thing? If you call, I'll answer if I can. If I can't, I'll call you back.

I don't want to be controlled. And the more you try to manipulate and dominate me, the more resistant I become. Is it too much to ask for you to just be the man I want you to be? Stop trying to change me.

You're Pinky and I'm Brain

2008-09-16T14:12:00.001-07:00

Things have been pretty grim around the office lately. About a month ago my after work buddy and I went to the dollar store to stock up on employment essentials. Mostly candy. It's what gets us through the day. Dyena busted through her butterscotch candies in about an hour so we've been living on my rations ever since.

We have this rule that if you open up something (candy, gum!!) for yourself, you have to offer it to the other person. Common sense right? Well Dyena must hate me or realize that I have the most beautiful smelling breath in the world because she suddenly stopped offering me gum. I can hear her unwrapping it even though her back is turned and I can hear the snapping and popping later. Does she think I don't notice? That I think she's had it in her mouth all day? AAAHHHH! Anyway, so I've stopped offering the butterscotch things. She's really starting to feel the burn because today she really really wanted to go to the dollar store to get more.

So off we went. Headed directly for the candy aisle.
Alas, destiny screwed us again. No butterscotch things. But I did end up with something to suckle on for hours.

So being utterly defeated and rejected (mostly because men suck -and not in the good way) we made a run for the border. While we were there, Dyena became convinced that the little man on the other side of the restaurant looked just like Brain. What do you think? See a resemblance?

Sorry it's so tiny and blurry. I had it on 5x zoom and had to hold it funny because I was pretending to take a pic of Dyena. Plus the dude wouldn't stop eating. Makes for difficult stealth photo snapping.

We ended up singing the theme from Pinky & the Brain all throughout lunch. We're really awesome and have great singing voices. We'll probably get a record contract soon. Do they still call them record contracts? Scratch all that. We'll get signed to a label soon. How's that?

So I started thinking about it. And I really think that Dyena and I are Pinky and the Brain. Clearly she's Pinky and I'm Brain.

#1 She's taller than me.
#2 She's always making goofy faces and telling stupid jokes.
#3 I'm always trying to take over the world.

Don't go to the dollar store with Dyena

2008-09-16T13:47:00.000-07:00

Trust me on this. You'll just end up making some impulse purchase while you're waiting in line with her.

Just like I did.

What kind of name is "Jolly Joes" for some grape candy? Are grapes jolly? When I hear jolly I think of Santa. These are decidedly un-Christmassy.

And who came up with the brilliant "Joe" part. Why does the candy have to be male? Can't it be Jolly Joanna?

Why does it need a feminine or masculine name anyway? You put it in your mouth and suck on it so it must have a name? Well I do like to know the name of the person I'm putting in my mouth.

I am in love

2008-09-15T15:33:00.001-07:00

I didn't think it would happen. I certainly didn't think it would happen so quickly. After about 4 minutes, it's all over. I can die happy now. I have experienced true love. It may not be reciprocal, but I don't care this time. I really think we can be happy together.

My new love

I've never been much of a fan. I'm not into superheroes, instead preferring the heroism of the quiet, unassuming stranger. But hey, he's a stranger to me. We need to change that. I'm sure his wife wouldn't mind. I don't care that he's married. I don't care that he assaults his mother. I don't care that he's had some extremely questionable hair styles. We can make it work. Together, with love, honesty and open communication we can beat the odds.

Or I can just stare at his pictures for the rest of the day.

That's good enough for me.

Closed Doors

2008-09-14T19:41:00.000-07:00

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason.

So why am I so consumed with burned bridges? I didn't intentionally burn them. It just sorta happened. Although I bet if you asked the bridge they would feel it was a calculated maneuver on my part. It honestly wasn't. I was simply avoiding conflict. Isn't that supposed to be a good thing?

Lately I've been a little reflective. Thinking about what I want in my life. And more importantly what I don't want. Makes me a little nostalgic for things that are now out of the question. More like people that are now out of the question. Either by their choice or mine. I guess it doesn't really matter because I can't change it now. There is no going back. The damage is done.

What brought on this recent period of self-reflection? Someone is making me try eHarmony. I am not happy about it. Of the 12 men that I have been "matched" with, 8 of them are proud gym addicts. Serious, hard-core fitness freaks. Not that fitness is a bad thing, but that's a little too healthy for me. A couple times a week is fine. 2 of the men are between jobs. And 2 are over 45. WTF! I'm not in menopause yet. Yeesh. Although if they turn out to have a house and a retirement plan I might change my mind. Or a house with a pool. That goes for any of them. My standards aren't that high.

Work Travel, Part Quatro

2008-09-10T15:51:00.000-07:00

Here is day 2 in Fresno.

We started our day with a healthy breakfast.
At this retro Mickey Dees.
It was more impressive on the outside.
As I was getting out of the car I saw this sticker on the car next to us.
I think it's appropriate to put a Jesus sticker on your gas tank thingy.
I think he might be the only one who can help.
Here's Laura loading up on coffee.
We did work. BLAH BLAH
Then went to lunch at Red Robin.
Then we went back to work.
Before long we were all done.

So we piled back in the car and headed home.
I didn't really notice how boring the drive was on the way there.
I noticed on the way back.
Random brown fields.
More brown fields.
Hey another brown field.
Here's a train.
That was excitement for about 10 seconds.
Kinda made me wish I could just hop the train and ride somewhere great.
Except that train was headed back to Fresno.
I decided to stay in the car.
Ugh. Lots of miles to Sac.
Of course Dyena is asleep again.
We stopped for gas and noticed some sweet locals.
Check out the super tight black jeans on this dude.
He even popped a cheek for the shot.
I quickly grew bored of the scenery, so I started checking out the other drivers.
This dude started the whole thing.
He was kinda hot. Isn't that arm amazing?
This prick was driving like a jackhole.
The guy was seriously hot.
Dyena flashed this guy.
Well I'm not sure she really did, but he kept looking at us.
Finally we get back to Sac.
And see an awesome ice cream truck.
Then I caught Mr. Sprinkles picking his nose.
I will no longer get excited when I hear "Pop Goes the Weasel"
Is it really any better if he's just picking his teeth?

Thanks for taking this little journey with us.
Hopefully we can travel again real soon!

Work Travel, Part Tres

2008-09-10T15:32:00.000-07:00

This week we traveled to the glorious city of Fresno, CA for more work.

As per our norm, we stopped at Starbucks for a little travel snack.

Dyena practiced her fake car sleep.

5 minutes down the road, she was no longer faking.
I stayed awake to keep Laura company.
Although I like the idea of getting paid to sleep.
I should find a job that lets me do that.

On the freeway we saw a cute little smart car.
Followed immediately by a stretch Hummer.
I think they cancel each other out.
We stopped for lunch.
I think Ronnie paid her for the lap dance.We passed a sweet looking water slide place.
Laura wouldn't let us stop.
We arrived at our destination.
And saw this amazing car.
I think those are urns on top.We got to our "quiet room" and started auditing.
Until Dyena asked me to smell her lips.
After work, we checked into the hotel.
I have 2 beds. Score!
Laura went to visit her son.
I did some work and Dyena took a nap.
Then we went to El Torito for dinner.

The margaritas were good.
Here's Dyena enjoying hers.
And me enjoying mine.
We got our food. Nachos. Delish.
Except for the jalapenos.
Had to ditch them.
Here's my empty glass. I was sad.
Here are both my empty glasses.
Surprisingly, I wasn't as sad.
Dyena told me she wasn't drunk.
You decide.
Then Laura returned and we all headed to the bar.

There went margarita #3.

I should have slept like a baby.
And I did.
Except for the 11pm phone call.
And the loud train that wouldn't stop honking it's horn.
And the ice bucket kept making creepy noises so I thought someone was in the room.
And the images of bodily fluids all over the room.

Work Travel, Part Dos

2008-09-06T15:19:00.000-07:00

On Friday Dyena, Laura and I traveled all the way to
Oakland for a little data collection.

We had a great time.
Well, the non-work time was great.

Please join me for the ride to Bay Area and back:

Here I am with my Starbucks.
I don't drink coffee (get over it)
and so I enjoyed my delish vanilla bean frap.
Dyena looks a little jealous of my drink, don't you think?

Of course we passed Marine World,
which now has some dorky new name
that I refuse to use.

Laura wouldn't let us stop.
We were all excited about being able to use the carpool lane.
Rarely are there 3 of us in the car for these trips.

We took great pleasure in counting the people
who were driving there illegally.

Here we are driving over the Carquinez Bridge.
Laura might want to consider washing that window.
It's a little icky.
I wanted to get a pic of us in the car.
As usual, Dyena is texting.

I have no idea why I'm making that face.
I think it's my "hey look how much fun we're having" face
We passed by some casino.
Laura wouldn't let us stop here either.

This is my favorite part of the drive to the Bay Area.
I don't know what this monkey is selling,
but I'm buying.
Oh wait! He's selling parking lots.

In Oakland, we used this parking facility.

It looked a little sketchy to me.

Dyena was really excited about all
the work we were about to do.
Later we took a quick break to run outside to see the sun.
Finally finished work and walked back to the parking place.
Might have to wait a sec for the car.
(Tan one all blocked in)
On the way out of town we saw
this great retro/ghetto TB.

They should bring these back.
And we saw this billboard.
I don't get it.
And finally we saw this amazing truck.
Oh yes, that's duct tape holding the bumper on.
Thanks for taking this little trip with me.
It was fun.

Work Travel, Part Uno

2008-09-06T09:57:00.000-07:00

Dyena and I did some work travel this week. On Wednesday and Thursday we were in Marysville, CA. A unique place to say the least.

Here are a few pics from our journey:

Here's the Castle House. I think it's really a museum, but Castle Museum doesn't really describe it well. I know it's kinda hard to see, but Dyena had to hang out of the window to get this shot. I had to include it.

As we were heading back from lunch, Dyena spotted this dude on a bike. She thought he was hot. I did not. But doesn't the inside of my car look awesome?

I know you can't tell from this pic, but the guy in the center of the screen is holding a sign that says "Honk if you support traditional marriage"

Now I do happen to support traditional marriage. Who doesn't? The intriguing part of this guy's statement is that he's standing on a street corner in Marysville (possibly the most redneck place in all of Northern California) and he's in a suit and tie. Plus it's 101 degrees outside. Seriously. We didn't even roll down the window to take the pic. Can't you support marriage in a t-shirt and shorts?

As we were leaving town (thank goodness), we noticed this amazing place. We are totally kicking ourselves for not having lunch here.

Nothing says Hep C like a tattoo from "Anvil Brand Tattoo."

Finally we get on the road to head back to Sac. Dyena lasted about 3 minutes.

3 minutes until she had to take a pic of herself fake sleeping. Seriously she lasted about another 2 before she fell asleep for real.

Good times.

Just wait until you see our trip to Oakland.

Suck on my red shell

2008-09-06T09:48:00.001-07:00

Some people drink warm milk before bed.
Some people have a night cap.
Others take a sleeping pill.

Molly and I play the Kart.
I can't seem to fall asleep now without
releasing my aggressions with red shells.

Those are my favorite.
Especially during the last half of the 3rd lap.
It's a kart killer.

Molly and I have also gotten our brothers hooked up.
We are now prepared for epic battles.

I hope our blood loss is minimal.

Can you see how I've positioned the TV?
It's angled so I can see it perfectly from my chair.
The couch is too far away.

It might seem unfair that I race on 42 inches
while Molly has to use something smaller.

It's not.
I need all the advantages I can get.

Now if we can only get Amber hooked up
we might be able to take the boys.
Maybe.

Rehab

2008-09-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

Do they have some kind of outpatient program for people who are addicted to their phone? I should really check into that.

I spent the long weekend out in the middle of nowhere (also known as Fort Bragg, CA). It was the annual family camping trip and it was great. I really needed the time away from everything at home and all the annoying people I can't seem to stop engaging with. It's another sickness. I know that.

So I'm out in the sticks and thought I'd have absolutely no cell service and thus wouldn't be able to contact anyone...and they wouldn't be able to contact me. I was wrong. I barely get my sleeping bag all set up on the couch in mom & dad's trailer (I'm so not sleeping in a tent anymore) and I get my first text. From Molly. How great is this? So I try to text her back and BAMMO! No service again. Shoot. I spend the next 4 minutes slowly walking around the trailer trying to get a signal. Finally I hit on a sweet spot and send her something back. Crap. I've just realized I'm somewhat reachable even out in no-man's land. Great. If Molly can get to me so can others.

Somehow I manage to check my messages (I stood next to a tall tree with one leg out and crossed my eyes to get a signal) and realized that I'm not really a fan of complete isolation. I proceeded to spend the next 3 days sending texts and hopping from one hot spot to the next to ensure I would get through.

This annoyed my mother to no end. I'm not sure what bothers her more, the fact that she doesn't know who I'm texting (because I just say "a friend") or that she doesn't know the content of the messages. Either way I was getting the glare all weekend.

She looked kinda like this:

Except she's not a 70 year old man with age spots. But the glare was the same. And the pinched up mouth.

Great! Now I've given my mom gray hair (according to her) and now wrinkles.

I'm never going to win Daughter of the Year this way. This is why I need rehab.

775 on Reader

2008-09-02T14:15:00.000-07:00

I had such a busy day today. I had a bazillion items on reader that demanded my attention. I barely had any time for actual work. I did send in my time sheet (oh crap I forgot to email it). OK I have now officially been a productive employee.

So I'm perusing my blogs and I have one that I always save for last. He has a way of pulling out obscure references that make me giggle. I don't need a giggle first thing in the morning because I'm still waking up. But by midday I'm totally ready for it.

The one I read today was about dating. Could anything BE more appropriate for me right now? I agree. Dating is the worst. Especially if it's not really a date.

Wanna know how it's not a date?
*He gets something for himself to eat/drink and doesn't offer you any. Not that he is obligated to purchase anything for me, but asking if I want anything is nice.
*He tries to grope you within the first 10 minutes. Down boy. I didn't spend 4 minutes prettying up my lips for you to smear them up Courtney Love-style that soon.
*He refuses to make eye contact with your eyes. Yes I have enormous breasts. They will still be there if you look at my corneas for a second.
*He walks 1 step in front of you. Am I already boring you? Why are you in such a hurry? Are you meeting someone else now?
*He asks you to close your eyes and trust him. Um, no. You have given me no reason to trust you. In fact you're kinda freaking me out.

But I digress. Back to Apollo Creed. He referenced something that I just had to check out. Turns out it's kinda slutty for work. So of course I checked out everything else on the site and came up with something brilliant.

It's called Whack Your Boss and I really needed it today. You have to find 17 ways to kill your boss with things in your cube. I'm really good at it. I found 19 things. But to be fair, she's really annoying me today. She's come into my office no less than 48 million times for stupid stuff. And if I have to hear the same story about how she can't leave her office to go to the bathroom because someone might call one more time I'm going to stab her with the stapler. And she seriously needs a tic tac.

I read subtext

2008-08-26T07:34:00.000-07:00

I'm obsessed with the meaning behind actions and words. What is he really thinking? She said this, but did she really mean that? I should probably take people at their word and accept them at face value. But I don't. I always assume a deeper meaning.

This becomes a serious problem. Because I don't 100% buy into what people are saying because I'm always looking for what isn't said, I obsess about conversations far longer than is healthy. In doing so I unconsciously hand over control of my emotions to that person. Wait. That sounds like everyone I come into contact with has control. That's not true. It's only the people that I desperately want to care about me. Reason would suggest that it's not smart to allow someone with questionable interest in me to have so much power over me. And if I could stop this I would.

But I can't.

So I bundle my emotions into a beautiful little package, all shiny and gift wrapped and let that person destroy it. He stomps on it, spits on it, lights it on fire and I'm left with the smoldering ashes to try to piece together some small shred of dignity.

The worst part is that he probably isn't even aware of the power he has and how he's destroying me. His words, his actions, his lack of actions leave me full of question and longing. This roller coaster is making me crazy. I am up and down and sideways and I'm getting sick from all the abrupt changes in direction.

How do I prevent this from happening? Never meeting people? It doesn't work as well as you'd think it would. Keep myself completely closed off? With no risk comes no reward. But if I don't care then he has no power over me. I am in control of myself. I don't end up lonely and depressed, listening to sad FM and wishing and waiting and obsessing about everything. None of which I can control. Or do I take him at his word? Believe every line he feeds me and trust that he really is who and what he claims to be? If everything is true then I come out of this OK. Better than OK. But if it isn't true? Will I come out of this alive?

Angel is Amor

2008-08-25T18:04:00.000-07:00

It's very dark in my room. I can't see much in front of me. I'm sitting on my bed and I can hear something rustling on the floor under me. I consider hiding under the covers until daybreak, but I'm fearless and I can handle anything. I stretch out on my stomach and lean over the side of the bed and slowly peer down at the blackness as it seems to envelope me. My eyes are adjusting to the darkness and I notice something shiny on the carpet. I touch my fingers to the carpet and pull back a wet sticky substance. Suddenly light begins to enter my room. It's like a spot light shining on my hands and quickly illuminating the entire room. I'm covered in warm blood and as I look around me I see partially opened black garbage bags filled with severed body parts. Just as I opening my mouth to scream I hear the toilet flush. THANK YOU MOLLY!

Dexter gives me weird dreams.

It could also have something to do with the yummy food we had.

We started things off with some popcorn chicken with an assortment of dipping sauces. This is Molly's plate.

She likes extra chunky blue cheese. Yuck.

After a little while we moved on to air popped popcorn. It was delish.

Except a tad over salted, but I wasn't doing the cooking (popping) so who am I to complain?

After about 6 hours of Dex, we needed a serious break, so we paused and ordered a pizza.

We were expecting the old Russian delivery guy so we weren't all that concerned about appearance. Imagine my horror and embarrassment when the delivery guy was young and hot. Ah crap! Note to self: be sure to wear a bra when the pizza guy rings the bell.

Oh well.

Season 2 of Dexter brought about some strange things for me. Aside from the weird dreams that I'm still having, I'm no longer in love with Dex.

I didn't have a huge problem with the whole "killing people" thing. I had a problem with his hair. He seriously needed a cut. Plus the pale pink lipstick he was wearing just wouldn't complement my skin tone.

So my new amor is none other than Angel.

Who knew? I think it's the accent. And he's so incredibly sweet. But really, just throw in a couple Spanish words and I'm putty in your hands. What can I say? I'm easy.

Dexter Weekend

2008-08-22T07:59:00.000-07:00

My dreams have come true.
It's finally here!
A full weekend of non-stop Dexter.

Well there might be a couple of stops.

But the goal is for Molly & I to get through all 12 episodes between Sat & Sun.
Then I'll probably have to go back and watch Season 1 again.
And then watch Season 2 again.

See? I don't have time for a social life.

Thanks Dex for saving me from myself.
You'll always be my favorite serial killer.

Hey, here's a thought.
You're socially awkward.
I'm socially awkward.
Let's hook up.
We can be weird together.

Just don't kill me.

Please.

Socially Awkward

2008-08-22T07:33:00.000-07:00

It has become clear to me that M, K, & D are no long enough to satisfy me socially. Obviously they aren't taking their job as seriously as they should or I wouldn't be looking elsewhere. Or it's possible that there's just nothing good on TV.

I've recently been talking to someone new. And by talking I mean chatting online with a few phone convos sprinkled in. Eek! New people are scary. I like my old people. I can be myself with the old people. I should say that I am capable of being myself. I have a difficult time being me around new people. They make me nervous (some more than others) and I tend to slip into old patterns of behavior. I tend to lose myself and forget who I am and mimic the person I'm with. I mirror their movements and hope they don't realize that I'm not really making conversation, but just agreeing with them and giving vague answers to their questions.

Why am I so nervous? What am I afraid of? Obviously I'm scared that they won't like me. That they will be able to see into my soul and say "eh, I think I'll pass." Or maybe I'm worried that they will do the opposite. I don't know how to handle that either.

And I'm very suspicious of someone who wants to spend time with me when they don't know me. I guess I'm just not the type of person who gets completely wrapped up in someone I don't know. And how long does it take to get to know someone? I mean really know someone? Weeks? Months? I really want to know.

Does this get easier with practice? I haven't seen any evidence of that so far. You would think I would have some answers by now, but I really just have questions. And unfortunately they are questions I'm too afraid to ask.

1968 was my year

2008-08-19T07:12:00.000-07:00

I got to work a little early today and since I would hate to start doing any actual work a second before I have to, I spent some quality time reading blogs. I came across Best Week Ever, which is a very helpful site if you are in desperate need of celebrity bashing, which I often am.

Little did I know that I would soon discover the most genius way of wasting hours laughing at myself. It's a little thing called YearbookYourself and I have now spent 20 minutes creating, viewing and laughing at how I would look through the years.

For your viewing pleasure, here are my top 3 yearbook looks:

In first place, 1968.
I look a little like Annette Funicello, but I think this look really works for me. The little flippies snazz it up so I don't resemble a first lady, which is nice. You want to know the sad part? My hair right now looks suspiciously like this. Without the flippies. And I'm not wearing a turtleneck.

Here's 1970
I think the pearls are a little much. And those curly deals are not right for me. They remind me of those strange wigs British judges wear. Still, I've looked worse.

And finally 1990.
The truly horrifying thing about this photo is that in 1990 I really did have this hair. It's like I'm looking at my own freshman picture. And boy did I think I looked hot. Yeesh! What was I thinking?

Well there you have it. I think we can all agree that 1968 was my best year. Well my best year I never lived through.

I'm Being Stalked By the Fuzz

2008-08-18T07:09:00.000-07:00

I'm such a good friend. I picked Molly up at the airport yesterday and on the way there I was driving defensively and minding my own business. I had 80's going on the XM and was singing my little heart out. I was almost to the off ramp for the airport and Molly called me. Not thinking, I picked up the phone and answered. That was when I noticed a shiny black and white car coming up beside me. I quickly put the phone on speaker and dropped it to my lap. I'm smart like that. Sometimes it just takes me a while. I held my breath while the 5-0 paced me for a couple hundred yards and then moved in front of me. That's right baby, I like it when you're in front of me. He takes the next exit and PHEW, my heartbeat returns to normal.

For a minute that is. That's when another CHP car pulls in behind me. I was going the speed limit (at that point) and figured he'd exit too, but he didn't. He followed me for 3 miles until I turned off to the airport, AND CONTINUED TO FOLLOW ME! Boy was I sweating. I suddenly thought of all the possible traffic violations that I may or may not have committed in those 15 miles from my house. Finally he pulls over and let's me get away from him. I have escaped once again. I continue on my way to pick Molly up at baggage claim, halfway convinced that she's a wanted fugitive and they know I'm going to pick her up. I mean really. Why would they be following me? It makes no sense.

So Molly and I go to my house and hang out and take dorky pictures of ourselves because yes we really are 14.(see how dorky we are?)

Some hours later I take Molly to her house and am blissfully free of police escort...until my return trip to my house. What's wrong with the world? Am I that big of a threat to the safety of Sac? I doubt it. However, I must have seemed innocent because this guy barely glanced at me. I continued the rest of the way in peace and any officers lurking in the shadows thankfully stayed there.

This morning I woke up and forgot all about my brush with the law. That is until I saw a Sheriff's car in my drive way! HOLY CRAP THEY FOUND ME! I'm so busted for something I don't even remember doing. This is going to end badly, I'm sure.

I calmly walked to my car and the officer smiled at me and said good morning and continued walking past in to my neighbor's house. HUGE SIGH! OK so I might be able to escape. I quickly get into my car, put on my seat belt, check my mirrors and slowly back out. As I'm backing out I steal a glance into the cop car to see if he has a partner (and if the partner is cute) and I notice a squirrelly dude in the back seat. YIKES! The dude in back might have been attractive if it hadn't been for the wild facial hair, the yellow vest, and the fact that he was sitting in the back of a police cruiser with his hands obviously behind his back.

Now I'm thinking that it's possible the loud noise I heard at 5:30 this morning might not have been a dream after all. I dreamt that someone climbed the fence into the backyard and was pushing on the back door. It's possible that maybe I dreamt this. Or maybe not. I need to invest in a Rottweiler.

Sleeping Bag

2008-08-13T09:15:00.000-07:00

I'm all by myself at work today. Dyena ditched me in favor of taking her kid to her first day of 2nd grade. Whatever. The kid needs to realize now that she's going to have to do everything on her own anyway. I seriously need someone here at work with me so I don't gouge my own eyeballs out. I'm not joking. I've had 4 separate incidents with a stapler that required not 1 but 2 band-aids. This was in 3 different jobs. I also scalded my hand on some water from the dispenser and had to go to the emergency room when I ran into a cactus. Yeah I have a lot of suspicious workplace injuries.

So in an effort to control any blood loss today, I'm listening to 80's on 8 on my XM. I'm not sure why I picked that channel. I guess I was just in a Wang Chung kind of mood. I've been chair dancing to Rick Astley and Duran Duran when a new song popped up. Not a group I usually enjoy, ZZ Top, but I thought I'd give it a chance considering the name of the song is beyond awesome. Have you hear this? How did I live through the 80's and not hear this beauty?

I can't stop thinking about camping and sleeping on the ground (and by ground I mean on the pull out couch in the trailer with 2 extra mattresses). I love my sleeping bag. It's soft and warm, but not too warm and every time I get in it I find socks from the last time I used it. I guess I kick them off when I'm sleeping. It's like a bonus prize in the box of Cracker Jacks.

I think I can probably survive until at least lunch now. This little baby has rejuvenated me.

WAIT! Now it's Wham with Everything She Wants. I think this is my lucky day!

Interesting People

2008-08-12T12:57:00.000-07:00

Dyena and I seem to see a lot of interesting people everywhere we go. Maybe we need to leave the ghetto. But it's where we work, so lunchtime is always interesting.

Today we made a run for the border and saw an assortment of great people.

We saw Big Mex Banker:
He wasn't on a horse. But he was very excited to loudly tell his colleague how important he was. Dyena was shocked that I knew he was a banker. Duh. He was wearing a name tag from SAFE Credit Union. It was a no brainer.

We saw Dreadhead:
Except he was a lot crispier than this. I thought he was OK but he made Dyena throw up a little in her mouth. I think it was the dreads. They were short so I wasn't concerned. And he was kinda cute. Although people stop being cute when you can hear Dyena gagging behind you. That girl ruins everything.

We also saw Mr. Emo Construction Worker:
He was fairly sullen when we saw him in line. Later he had perked up and was strutting around with his chest all puffed up. I don't think I've ever seen anyone with their chest puffed out that much. It was actually impressive until I realized he was just emphasizing his nipple ring. Ugh.

We also saw Mr. Beautiful Hair:
His hair wasn't really that beautiful, but he seemed to think it was. He floated past us with his eyes all squinty moving really slow. I think he wanted us to imagine him floating on clouds. I just wished a big wind would move him away.

The best guy of the day was Wolfman:
We first noticed the Wolfman while we were standing in line. I've never seen a man with that much hair on his neck. It made me curious if he had that much hair all over. I tried to get a peek under his shirt, but he was too quick for me.

In addition to these stellar examples of masculinity, we had an assortment of old people, a 18 year old crush for Dyena as well as a 50 year old crush for her. The old guy was totally rocking the scrunched socks. That lead us on a trip down memory lane when we used to layer the socks and scrunch to perfection. It was an early 90s thing.

As we were getting ready to leave, we saw a guy holding a Round Table Pizza sign. You know those amazing sign twirlers/dancers that hang out on the street corners? I think he was confused. Obviously the mexican pizza doesn't count as real pizza.

New Member of the Team

2008-08-11T13:41:00.001-07:00

Yeah so our office is getting a new employee. I thought it would be nice if it was a cute puppy, but management nixed that idea. Party poopers. Right now my boss is doing interviews. Well just one interview today. And the first question she asked this dude? How old are you. Can you believe it? This old fart can totally sue for age discrimination when we don't hire him just because he's a man. Yeah our boss is cool like that.

So right now she's got him trapped in the conference room along with another employee. I predict they will all die from toxic bad breath within 10 minutes.
I've been in there with her with the door closed. It's all I can do to stay conscious. But that might have more to do with the boring meetings.

Anywho, it's only a matter of time before she either stinks out all the candidates or they realize this is an office with 6 cranky women and really who wants to be apart of that? I'm apart of it and I don't want to be apart of it. So we will need to try to find more applicants soon. I'm thinking I should take control of the interview committee and get us the right man for the job. And by job I mean do whatever I want.

Absolutely necessary requirements. Non-negotiable:

1) Is a man. And not some boy, but a real man. With real chest hair even.

2) Is between the ages of 25 and 35. Not too young and not too old.

3) Is cute. Because if I'm going to be watching him all day I really need something pretty to look at.

4) Owns a car and uses it. He cannot take the bus instead and complain that gas is too expensive (Wally).

5) Uses aforementioned car to take me to lunch. And let's throw in picking me up for work and taking me home. Money doesn't grow on trees and gas prices are insane.

Yeah I think that would make a good ad. I think I got all the important parts in there. Let me just add: exciting opportunity to work in a dynamic office with professional staff.

Yup it's perfect.

Time Mag Thinks I'm Old

2008-08-07T10:40:00.000-07:00

I think we can all agree that when it comes to determining someones "oldness" there really is no greater authority than Time Magazine. They are a news magazine so they obviously have their top investigative journalists scoping out the blue hairs with expert precision.

Somehow I became a person of interest to the geniuses over there at Time. They did what I can only assume was an exhaustive, in-depth research of who I am and then decided that I am indeed a SENIOR CITIZEN! They even sent me this lovely invitation to their little rag with the enticingly low rate of $20 for seniors.
One problem. I've got a good 30+ years before I can get social security.

Reasons I'm not a senior citizen:
1) I don't even have much gray hair yet. I do have a little. But I think that only puts me at maximum 35. But then I'm a redhead so we'll adjust for unusual follicular activity.
Max age 30

2) I don't eat dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon. Sometimes I don't eat until 8pm. Because I'm a rebel and cannot be controlled.
Max age: 35

3) I don't drive the speed limit. I drive exactly 4 miles over the speed limit thus showcasing my uniqueness and individuality.
Max age: 25

4) I don't take 45 different medications every day. I don't even take 1. Maybe I should, but I don't need to because I'm not old.
Max age: 10

5) I don't wear pants that are so short it looks like I'm waiting for a flood. My hems are appropriate and tasteful.
Max age 20

6) I don't complain about how easy kids have it these days and how I was so much more respectful when I was their age. Wait. Kids are stupid today and I do complain about it a little.
Max age 50

7) I don't wear dentures. And I chew gum a lot and blow bubbles.
Max age 10

8) I don't spend all my TV time watching jeopardy and the news. I like to mix it up by watching cartoons and old episodes of Saved By The Bell. And I still have a crush on Zach Morris.
Max age 15

9) I don't take multiple naps every day. Occasionally I'll take a little nap on a lazy Sunday afternoon, but then it totally screws up my night sleeping so I don't do it often. But now that I think about it, when I'm camping I like to take a nap every day. Sometimes I even have a morning and afternoon nap. Maybe the thing holding me back on being old is my job. I think if I didn't have a job I might be a multiple napper. Darn it.
Max age 60

10) I still get carded nearly every time I go out. Although as a determining factor for "oldness" I'm not sure this really qualifies because I suspect bartenders/waiters card any woman who appears to be under 50. This way they increase their tip.
Max age 21

OK time for a little math. Let's average out those ages. TA DA! Take that subscription services! Thanks to my highly scientific research and calculations I have determined my real age to be 27.6

Good thing no one reads your little Time Magazine.

My new Cary Grant

2008-07-28T11:13:00.000-07:00

I'm in love again. And yes, this time is pretty much like all the other times. I'm still in love with my celebrity crush, The Fabulous Mr. Double V, and I am more excited than ever about my sweet little Dexter (since Season 2 is coming out on DVD soon), and I still think about my men from Oz every once in a while (but mostly only when I see them on new shows).

I spent a good chunk of my weekend (in between major shopping trips with Molly) watching Season 1 of Mad Men.

AMC had a marathon last weekend and my DVR so kindly caught it for me. I really wasn't sure if I was going to like this show because a) they treat women like crap, and b) it looked a little boring. But on the other hand I thought I might really like it because a) I love 60's movies and b) the men are all dressed so sharp and neat.

Of course I loved it. It had a lot to do with this guy:

Ah Don Draper. He's always impeccably dressed and in control. He's my new Cary Grant. And I really needed a new one. The old one was getting a little dusty.

Anyway, I love the whole concept and delivery of Mad Men, but I think watching 12 episodes over 2 days made my brain go a little funky.
#1- I think people don't drink enough at work. Granted I've thought this before. I remember the good old days when we had Margarita Fridays after the boss went home. I need to start bringing my blender in on Fridays.
#2- A job as a secretary looks awfully enticing. You get to use that sweet clunky typewriter all day and answer phones. Plus you get to parade around in tight clothes for all the men in the office. Actually I do that now. Except my jeans aren't tight and we don't have any men in the office. I guess it's not the same thing.
#3- All the cute guys are married and the single ones are all gay. Wait I think this one really is true.

I also came to the conclusion that life in New York in the 60s kinda sucked for women. You either get to be the unappreciated, lonely, miserable, depressed housewife and mother who never sees her husband (mostly because he's either working or screwing his mistress) and is controlled with an iron fist. Or you get to be a mistress who never really gets the guy, who has to constantly whore herself out for enough cash to pay her rent and just has to wait for the guy to decide he wants to get a little because you aren't actually of any importance to him and you are considered a failure and disgrace because you aren't married by the age of 20. Given these choices, I'm not really sure which I'd rather be. I guess if the guy is Don Draper, I'd be whichever woman he wanted me to be. Yeah I'm easy like that.

Oh and he looks AMAZING on a 42 inch LCD.

So many things wrong with this picture

2008-07-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

I get a lot of great emails from people. One of my great suppliers of entertainment is my friend Kim. This morning she sent me the following picture. It’s been 2 minutes since I opened this and my jaw is still on the floor. So so many things wrong with this picture.

#1- What’s up with the early 90s hair? Those bangs are only available in Ohio now. Or maybe North Dakota. I don't really know. I lost that look in Jr. High. Plus I don't understand the brown bangs and the bleached blond mushroom cap thing. Is that part a wig? I'm confused.

#2- The face looks like the monkey dude from NKOTB. Maybe it really is him.

#3- Even Giselle would look like crap in that teal bedazzled number. S/he needs to fire their stylist. And I think that might be a world record for longest distance from belly button to pube. Hand this ... um... person an award.

#4- Why is his/her body so much darker than the face? Me thinks someone might have a tanning obsession. You know obsessive personalities sometimes take things too far. I wonder if he/she has any other obsessions?

#5- Black nail polish is so trashy when you’re over 50. And chipped black nail polish on some dragon lady (or lord) talons is worse. What's worse than trashy?

#6- Posing in a field of daisies? Oh yeah, that makes you look feminine. Mission accomplished.

Thanks Kimmie for ruining my breakfast!

S & M

2008-07-22T14:28:00.000-07:00

I hear that Ebert & Roeper are out of the game. This leaves a perfect opening for Molly & me. We would be awesome at it.

Except I don't really have the attention span for a movie. Especially if it's a crappy one. I'm not going to waste my time on that junk. I can tell you now I'm going to hate it. We'll have to transition Ebert & Roeper from movies to TV. I can focus for 30-60 minutes without as much problem.

And forget the stupid directors chairs. We'll take recliners like on Friends. I'll be Chandler and she can be Joey.

And since my name is neither Ebert nor Roeper, we'll have to change the title too. I think S & M has a nice ring.

Love MA

2008-07-22T13:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy couple of weeks around here. I've barely had time to watch all my taped shows. As of last night I have 50 hours of stuff on the DVR. I guess I know what I'm doing this weekend. Anyway, back to the busyness. I've spent lots of quality time with baby Mia, visited Dora in the hospital a couple times (I could totally be a tour guide at Sutter Roseville- except I'd want to be paid and I don't want to wear the pink jacket. We'll have to work something out.), spent time with my Mom while she was visiting, attended a baby shower for my other cousin's wife, and had a great visit with Marianne.

Marianne and I have been good friends since we were cellmates at the Foundation. We have both moved on to other employers and she's now living in Long Beach so we don't get to see each other like we used to. We also don't call or email each other as much as we should, but it's ok. Anyway, Marianne needed a little mental health vaca so she jumped on a plane and came to visit. It was a very short trip (only 24 hours with me) so we had to pack a lot of catching up into those few hours. We stayed up late Saturday night discussing every detail of our lives and dissecting all the people around us. I really think we solved some serious relationship issues, like why brother's can drive us crazy (not mine of course), and how we all have quirkiness, but some people are truly crazy. We might need to get our own talk show. We could be like Dr. Phil, but not as pompous and without the mustache.

Sunday morning arrived early and we had shopping to do, but we enjoyed a leisurely time watching old episodes of Cold Case to ease into the day. Then we had a delish lunch at the Chinese place near my house and then it was off to the stores. We started with Ulta as I am obsessed with that place. I can't get out of there without buying something. Good thing my friend Kim had given me a gift card the last time I babysat Sebas. I totally got some great stuff (Bare Minerals powder, hair clips for my new short do, blow dryer). Next we jumped over to Costco because #1 Marianne loves it (2 Costcos in 2 days) and #2 I love it. But I'm cheap and don't have a card and she does, so it worked out perfectly. We perused the store and of course I found some great stuff. A few months ago Amber had told me about this great sorbet that comes in adorable little fruit shells. So I always have an eye open for this stuff. Hey guess what I found:

Doesn't it just look amazing? Well it is. Tastes a little like Merlino's. YUMM! So major score there. Then we went to Borders on the way to the airport and found a bunch of Lincoln Rhyme books because we're obsessed with those at the moment. Before I knew it, it was time to take Marianne to catch her flight. WAY TOO SHORT! Now it's my turn to fly down there. I've been promised Disneyland. And maybe Universal Studios. If I can get her to throw in a tour of the stars homes I'll be on the next flight out.

Welcome Baby Mia

2008-07-11T07:55:00.000-07:00

My cousin and his wife have been anxiously awaiting the arrival of their first child, a daughter. The whole family has been ready to run at a moments notice, just waiting for the call. Two weeks late, we finally got that call.

Yesterday morning at 9:56am, little miss Miabella Ann made her grand entrance. Of course Aunt Sharon and I raced to the hospital at lightening speed. She was about 90 minutes old and looked beautiful.

She was exhausted from her little trip. Mom was tired too.
Good thing Cousin Sarah was there to snuggle!
Congrats Jay & Lynn!!

I have a broken elbow

2008-07-08T13:06:00.000-07:00

OK maybe not "medically broken" but I still think it's messed up.

Does it hurt? No.

Any visible signs of trauma*? No

Memories of any incident that could have resulted in said brokeness? Not so much.

So how do I know I have a broken elbow? Because my pinkie finger is numb. And that's not normal.

So how did I get a numb pinkie? Well let's see. I have abnormally short pinkies so maybe I don't have as many tendons and corpuscles* as the average person and they got tired and went on strike. Hmm. Maybe it's something else.

We did play a strenuous game of Extreme Croquet on the 4th. Maybe I overexerted when swinging my mallet. Maybe I accidentally hit myself when trying to do tricks with the mallet while waiting for my turn. It's possible.

More than likely it's this. Yeah, that's right. I have severely injured myself by leaning on my arm all day at work while I watch funnyordie clips online. I basically spend 8 hours a day looking like this.

Except I usually just lean on 1 elbow. And I don't have black hair. And I'm not Asian. And I don't have a laptop. And I never wear headbands. And I don't work on the floor. Other than that, this is me.

So what's the treatment? I'd say a few days of quality DVR time should do the trick.

*I could totally be on House's team. I could be the new 13.

Bee Mine

2008-06-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

I just got attacked by a killer bee. It was out in front of my office building right next to the mail boxes. The bee flew into my hair and I could hear him buzzing close to my ear. I shook my head all over and he hung on. I think he was enjoying the ride. I'm not sure if the attack was motivated by my pineapple-smelling hair or the red color. Either way I'm shaving my head tonight. Good thing Dyena was there to kick me in the head to get rid of it.

What is wrong with people?

2008-06-17T13:22:00.000-07:00

Lately my wallet has been really full (not with cash unfortunately) and I needed to unload some stuff so I decided to spend some gift cards to lighten things up. The first stop was Barnes & Noble. The new Janet Evanovich book came out today and I totally needed it for the collection and it seemed like the perfect thing to get with my gift card.

So at lunch, we head over there and I leave Dyena in the car (I cracked the windows for her) and ran inside to make my purchase. As I was walking out, I saw this:

Stellar photo-altering skills aside, this is basically what I saw. I was too grossed out to even think of getting out my phone to take a pic, so this one will have to do. EEEWW! Do. As in dodo. Ugh! And Dyena wasn't even there to make a big stink about it. Crap!

I really hope it was dog poop, but i can't say for sure. I didn't look all that closely. And I probably should have told one of the store people but I was a little afraid they would think I had something to do with it. I don't know why. Surely the perpetrator wouldn't point out his/her crime. I don't know. Maybe they dodo that. I just don't know how a poop vandal would act. Nor do I want to.

What kind of person becomes a crap bandit? I'm sure they didn't grow up thinking that would be a great career. Hmm. Let's see. Doctor, nah. Lawyer, nope. I wanna be a stealth shitter. Oh yeah. That's the life for me. Did this person find it too difficult to walk the 20 feet to the bathroom to drop a duke or did they pick that spot intentionally. I didn't think the line to pay was that long, but OK maybe. And if it was a dog (which I really hope it was), was their owner so engrossed in reading the backs of the discount books that they didn't notice Fido grunting one out? Granted if my dog did that in a store I'd probably run away too. But who brings a dog into Barnes & Noble? My first thought was that it was a really small purse dog. But that crap was bigger than my purse. So maybe a blind-assist dog. But I really think they are more well behaved than that. I mean we can't even pet them so they probably poop in the toilet.

Now I'm totally upset with myself for not getting a proper pic (although I think the one I created above is pretty awesome). I probably wouldn't have been able to get a pic anyway. My phone's been crapping out since Sunday. Stupid ATT. I wonder if they have an office because I have a great way to crap up their day.

What Does It Mean?

2008-06-13T15:06:00.001-07:00

Dyena and I spend about 7 hours a day actively avoiding work. So we spend a lot of time out in the hall, walking to the bathroom, walking back from the bathroom, walking to lunch, etc. Lately it seems that every time we are out in the hall walking somewhere, when we get back Jay is in the hall. It's almost like he's waiting for us. But why? What does he want? Just 2 days ago he finally asked our names. I don't know what that means either. Yes we are in the same office complex, but I don't want/need/care to know the names of my co-workers, much less some dude in the office down the hall. I guess since we see him loitering out there waiting for us it's nice to be able to refer to him by a name instead of "get ur man" because that's super general. Could be talking about anyone.

Today Jay caught us in the hall for the 3rd time. He noticed that Dyena had different hair. That's pretty significant. I think he might be gay. No other guys I know notice hair changes. Either that or he's in love with her. Maybe both. I'm confused. Why doesn't he just ask her out already? Grow a pair dude. Give me some drama here. (I should clarify. Drama here. Here as in the hallway at work. No drama at my house. I just want to be in the audience)

Maybe I should just give him her number. Maybe that would increase the growth of the peanuts in his sack.

My Tummy Hurts

2008-06-12T15:04:00.001-07:00

It could be the burned bagel with cream cheese I had for breakfast.
It could be the massive bowl of cherries for brunch.
It could be the greasy pizza we had at lunch (or the choco chip cookie chaser).

Funny thing is, my tummy didn't start hurting until Dyena started teasing me about having 10 kids with the guy across the hall. I don't know what that means. Fantasy labor pains?

My Morning

2008-06-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

This day is going so slow. I've been at work for over 2 hours. Wanna know what I've accomplished so far? Come on! This will be fun. I promise.

Dyena and I burned bagels in the toaster oven and almost set off the sprinklers when the huge plume of black smoke rose to the ceiling. We had a few tense moments frantically trying to fan the air in hopes that the sprinklers wouldn't come on and drown us all. And all our officey stuff. Wow. That would really suck. We lucked out that time.

Then Dyena forced me to watch clips of America's Best Dance Crew until I cried. There were about 100 short clips to watch (maybe 10) and she made me critique all of them. #1 Eh OK. #2 Retarded cheerleaders. Pass. #3 Lame. And so on. OK so I did enjoy the boys that took off their jackets. I mean men. Men that took off their jackets. Men. Ugh.

Then I spent the last hour watching Wally walk back and forth in front of my office. Now normally I don't really pay much attention to the peeps walking around out there. Yes I keep a log of how often they all go to the bathroom, who turns out the lights in the kitchen, and how often the boss gets cookies out of there, but I don't scrutinize their outfits. Except the boss. But that's a given.

And today Dyena was convinced that the Boss was wearing the same outfit she had on yesterday because she totally had deja vu about seeing the clothes and feeling the uncontrollable urge to throw up. Anywho since I'm pretty sure the boss didn't make the walk of shame this morning (cuz she's like 70 and gross), I'm guessing Dyena is mistaken.

After I convinced Dyena that it was probably just a similar hideous outfit, she noticed a stain on Wally's pants. Eh, it happens. In the past I've been notorious for spilling on my shirts (hey that shelf gets in the way). However, this stain I apparently really needed to see. So I began Wally Watch '08. I casually watched her walk past over and over. Damn! I'm not seeing a stain. So I check with the fashion police (Dyena) to get a location of the offending stain. WHAT!! Back of the thigh. Kinda in the middle. Are you kidding me? I asked Dyena why she was checking out Wally's ass in the first place and she didn't really answer me. Hmmm. Great, now I'm going to have to see this stain even though I really don't want to. Crap! And Dyena won't call Wally into the office so I can have an unobstructed view. This is so much harder than it should be.

Finally after about an hour, Wally pauses in front of the kitchen (directly across from me) and checks out the Hostess Crackcakes that I brought in to help make the boss go insane. That's when I get the full show of the pink (yes pink, as in formerly red) stain on the back of her white pants (who wears white pants? Especially during those times). I'm disgusted and sympathetic at the same time. Should I tell her? It's not like there's anything she can do to fix it now. And plus I like her looking like a fool. Yeah I'm mean. I get it from Dyena.

Speaking of Dyena, I'm gonna kill that little Prag for making me look at period stain. Um yeah so Dyena and I have also watched too much Oz because now we go around all day calling each other Prag and Jizzball and then we giggle. We even text it to each other at night. We need to start watching something else. I need to flush Oz out of my system so I can replace it with something better. Like The Wire. That's a good wholesome show, right?

So now you know how much fun my morning has been. OK so maybe this wasn't all that fun. Whatever, Prag! Don't make me shank you in the shower.

Poisoned Lollipops

2008-06-06T13:26:00.000-07:00

I have a jar of lollipops on my desk. Most afternoons around 3pm Dyena I and get super anxious to leave work and sometimes the only thing that will help is to suck on something sweet, thus the stash of suckers.

Lately I've had the feeling that someone else (unauthorized moocher) has been dipping into our reserves. I had no proof, but I just had this feeling.

Don't get me wrong. It's not like I am against sharing with the office. I love when Laura brings in cherries or OB picks up doughnuts. I'm just not a big fan of the stealth-mode candy thief.

I had been contemplating setting up some kind of sting operation. Maybe a hidden camera or some poisoned lollipops (serves 'em right, you know). This would have been a full-scale LAPD type operation.

Unfortunately I didn't get the chance. I caught the bandit red-handed. Thus it brings us to reason #422 why I don't like Wally.

Can't Win

2008-06-06T12:32:00.001-07:00

Why is it that every time I try to be kind and not hurt someone's feelings, that's exactly what I do? I'm prepared to accept the fact that it's a flaw in my DNA or a serious mental defect. I just don't know how to fix it. How do I correct the damage I've already caused? How do I stop myself from committing the same atrocities next time? My new method should be to avoid all contact with other people. I need to be stopped.

I was trying to help my boss find an email that was probably sent to her 3 months ago that she couldn't find. She was grinning widely and so proud to show me her email organization (something which took her about 3 weeks to do). She looked up at me with that hopeful gleam in her eyes. For some reason she wanted me to be impressed by her efforts. So what did I do? I crapped all over it.

Boss: I organized all my emails so I don't have so many in my inbox.

Me: That's great. It makes it so much easier. blah blah blah (I ramble on about the benefits of folders and advanced search techniques)

**At this point her eyes glazed over a little**

Boss: See I have them all sorted by year. It's so much easier that way.

Me: Um, but you still have 3,000 emails in your inbox. Wouldn't it be easier to sort them by project? How is sorting by year helping anything? How do you keep track of what things you've taken care of?

Boss: Oh I just print them all out and keep them on my desk until they're finished.

**I may have rolled my eyes here. I didn't do it intentionally. Sometimes I just have no control over it**

Me: You print them? Then what's the point? UGH. OK just tell the client you never got the email and have him send it again. I can't find anything when it's set up like this.

Funny coincidence: My boss left for lunch 2 minutes later. It was 10am.

Vote Me In

2008-06-04T10:10:00.001-07:00

I didn't vote yesterday. I'm a little sad. Mostly because I didn't get that cool "I Voted" sticker. That's usually my main reason for voting. And so that I don't have to lie to my Dad when he asks if I voted.

I really don't think there is much difference in the political choices we have. They are all going to make some changes. No one person is going to demolish the country. That's what we have congress for.

And despite what celebrities say, I don't think my individual vote makes a difference in who/what wins. How many times are the counts that close? So close that 1 vote decides things? I think my vote only makes a difference to me, in my own mind and heart. I know that I made a thoughtful decision what direction I want our city/county/state/country to go and I can complain all I want when it all goes to hell.

Or at least I could have if I'd have voted yesterday.

Can This Day Get Any Worse?

2008-06-03T09:07:00.000-07:00

I woke up late. OK technically I hit the snooze too many times. Regardless of the cause it still ruins the morning. I was rushing through my morning routine and almost forgot mascara on 1 eye. Fortunately I noticed before I ran out of the bathroom. Still, I'm not happy.

I found out I will be attending a meeting with the world's worst meeting participant. I need to get her a coffee mug with that title. She sighs, interrupts, rolls her eyes, and most of all doesn't listen to anyone but herself. I try not to sit next to her as she loves to make comments on all the people at the meeting. Now normally I would enjoy this, even instigate it, but this lady has no concept of how loud her voice is and so everyone can hear her snarky comments. Thank goodness the meeting isn't for a few days, but still, I'm not happy.

On the drive to work I noticed that my gas tank is almost empty. This means in the very near future I'm going to be forking over my life savings for another 3 weeks of transportation. I'm really not happy.

Somewhere between the front door of my house and the door to my office I stepped in dog shit. I had to spend 30 minutes trying to dig it out of the grooves on my shoes while I was gagging. I tried my best not to throw up. I was partially successful. I'm so not happy.

I keep smelling weird things (not just the poop). I think either my nose is messed up or I'm pregnant. Great, that would be just perfect.

I'm going to go home and sleep until today is over.

Mind Control

2008-06-02T15:03:00.000-07:00

I need to create a device to allow me to control the thoughts of those around me. I need it to be portable enough that I have it everywhere I go, but not take up much room in my purse. Now before you start thinking that I'm a megalomaniac and start calling me Brain (I'm totally more of a Pinky), I just want to be able to nudge people in the direction they should already know they need to go. I'm frustrated with people who don't understand how the world works and how they are behaving like flippin' morons.

Like the blonde whore taking her sweet time in the car in front of me. If you're in the right-hand turn lane, please turn. You don't always have to wait for the light. Sometimes it's OK to go. Like when you hear me honking at you. That's like Jiminy Freakin' Cricket whispering in your ear to step on the gas. Some people are late for work. I could totally fix this with my mind control device (MCD). I could suggest she park her car until she figures out how to drive correctly. Does she have any idea how exhausting it is to have to instruct everyone on the road on proper driving technique? Cuz it is. Wait, I'm thinking too small here. I could get everyone on my route to work pull off the road until I pass. Excellent idea. YEAH ME!

OH, I'd better invent a time machine function for the MCD because I can definitely see a need for that. I could go back 2 years to tell G Luc and Stevie that their concept for Crystal Skull sucks and the CGI is laughable. I'd suggest they scrap the whole Indy thing and go for a second Even Steven's movie. That Beans kid was hilarious. Especially when The Buff hits him. And before you start thinking it's creepy that I like The Buff I think you should know he's like 21. That's legit!

Let's see, I'd obviously have to bring about world peace by convincing people to be nice, increase funding for cancer research by getting useless celebrities to donate money, (and speaking of useless celebritards, I'd rid the world of Speidi **drink the Kool-Aid**), reduce gas prices, and get the CW to bring back Veronica Mars.

And while we're at it, I'll get Dina Lohan (aka Orange Oprah) to crawl
in a hole and die. OK not die, but live in silence without any cameras for the rest of her life. She can have Lynn Spears join her. Neither one can seem to see that they have destroyed their daughter's childhood and now they are moving on to the next kid in line. Here's a spoiler alert: Ali can't sing and Jamie Lynn is a whore. Congrats on being the best mom you can be ladies. Now give up and let your children fend for themselves. They are bound to do a better job raising themselves.

Sorry. That woman just really annoys me. Be a real mother and stop trying to relive your 20s when you're 50. You effed up your live, don't force that same fate on your children.

OK enough of that. I just really think I'd be a good person to have this kind of power. I promise I'll only use it for good. Really, I promise.