Real Estate Devils-2, Me-0

I'm 33 years old.
I am not married.
And I really want to own a house.

How do you buy a house without a husband? I have a feeling it's not going to be easy.

Here are my top 5 reasons it's going to be challenging for me to buy a house:

5. Short Sales Suck. The majority of the houses on the market in my area and in my price range are short sales. This means that the current owner owes more than the house is worth. This makes things tricky because instead of just having an owner/seller accept my offer, I also have to have the bank that currently owns the house accept my offer as well. And I've found banks aren't as nice as they seem on TV. I am the backup offer on a short sale house. It's been 6 weeks. Good news? The bank hasn't responded to the offer (the sellers accepted my backup offer) so that gives more time for the 1st guy to drop out. Bad news? The 1st guy hasn't dropped out yet.

4. Economic growth. The stupid economy is rebounding, but only in real estate, and only in my area, and only in my price range, and only with the houses I'm interested in. It seems I'm in a hot demographic and houses are now going for $20,000 more than asking price. DAMN YOU OBAMA! Can you please let me buy a house before you fix the economy? Or you could just buy me a house. That would work too.

3. Turn-key. That's the phrase for just moving your crap in and not doing anything. Unfortunately, buying at the top of my price range means no upgrades when I move in. I might be able to afford paint, but new carpet and appliances will be out of the question. You would think I could just buy a house that's even cheaper to make up for it, but sadly I'm already at the cheap end of the pool.

2. Realtors can be mean. I know real estate is a business and people make money on it, but is it too much to ask for some common courtesy? I was the first person to put in an offer on this certain house. I offered asking price and would pay my own closing costs. It was a fair deal. I submitted the offer on Tuesday morning and the selling agent said they would let me know in a day or two. On Friday they had an open house and said they would let me know in a day or so. They had 2 more open houses on Saturday and Sunday and still have not given me a decision. Now I know that they are trying to get more for the house. I completely understand that. But is it too much to ask for them to just reject my offer? If they were pricing it low, shouldn't they have come back and let me put in a higher bid? It's been over a week and they haven't said either way. I know I'm not going to get the house, but stringing me along is just not necessary.

1. Single income. That's right people, I have to make it on my own. I don't have anyone else's salary to put into this thing so I have to adjust my standards a little. Maybe a lot. I might not be able to afford granite countertops, stainless appliances, hardwood floors, 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, 3 car garage, pool, large backyard, all on 5 acres with a stream running through. And I might not be able to find a place in my price range in the area I want to be in. I might have to settle for the scary ghetto places. The ones with their own unique entertainment (hey friends, let's go down to the corner and watch the prostitutes pick up Johns!!).

So that's what my life has been consumed with for the past month or two. I'm still looking. I have not yet given up. Although my spirit is a little crushed. And I don't feel the excitement I did in the beginning.

That last paragraph could also describe my outlook on dating.

Nothing there

Do you ever feel like you have nothing to say? There's not one thought in your mind racing to get out. Everything worthwhile has already been said. There is no more?

And even if you could find the words to say, it wouldn't matter because no one is listening anyway.

Yeah I got nothing.

My brain is seriously empty.

Rehire?

Question. If your company fired someone for being drunk on the job (for months!!) would you rehire him? That's what my boss is pushing for.

Let me clarify just a little. He was fired for drinking while at work, he started sleeping at his desk, he had multiple unexplained absences, and finally when he didn't show up for 2 days (without calling) his Dad came in to pick up his stuff.

He's over 40 years old!

Would you hire him back?

Molly Lady Boobs

That little beauty of a search term brought people to my blog 9 times this month.

I fear my good friend Molly is branching out into porn and hasn't told me. But what a sweet stage name. So much better than Molly Man Boobs (AKA Molly Moobs).

Perhaps I should mention boobs a little less. Perhaps it is not possible for me to do so.

Also, Lady Crabs Infection got 2 hits. I really hope someone was looking for WebMD and not some nasty pics of an STD.

Harry Potter Pick Up Lines

I love blogs. Really I do. I have some I read immediately (16 Paws, I'm looking at you!), but I try not to post a comment that fast because then I might look like a stalker. Unfortunately, I really only read blogs at work. It's the first thing I do in the morning and I'm constantly checking it all day. That means that over the weekend, blogs pile up and it can take me all day to get through them. Yesterday as I was catching up, I came across a brilliant Top 10 list. (Seriously, who doesn't love Top 10 lists?) Top 10 HP Pick Up Lines




















Of course I love Harry Potter (who doesn't?) and had to forward this post on to Molly who will also appreciate it. She did. What happened later (during 24 no less!) was a 2 hour marathon of additional pick up lines. Molly and I are sitting 3 feet away from each other, watching some episodes of 24 (Bad Tony? Good Tony? I'm confused!) and texting each other our creative little gems.

Here are some of the best.

Are you a dementor? Because you make me weak.
Is that a Socerer's Stone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Let's play a game of strip wizard's chess.
Wanna see my petrificus totalus?
Wanna play with my golden snitch?
I'm so good you'll be a Moaning Myrtle.
Would you like to see my Little Lord Voldemort?
Get some cuffs and we can play prisoner of Azkaban.
Wanna see my little half blood prince?
I've got HoneyDukes right here...in my pants!
I wanna Slytherin my way under your sheets.
I'm hung like a centaur.
Can I hide my basilisk in your Room of Requirement?
You, me and the house elf makes three.

And alternatively, we had 1 HP insult: I wouldn't touch you if you Polyjuiced yourself into Heidi Klum!

Did I mention that we giggled every time we sent and received one of these priceless beauties? Do you have any good ones?

Holy Huge Boob Lady

Molly came over on Monday to catch up on a couple episodes of 24 and to bake some delicious cookies. As per our usual, we made some pizza-related dinner and settled in to watch so espionage (and of course completely forgot to make the cookies). After the first episode, we had some time to kill before the live one started, so we watched House.

Yeah I know. House isn't as exciting as it once was. How many times can you watch someone vomit blood, or pee blood, or get a bloody nose? If you ask me, they don't use eye bleeding enough. (creeped myself out there!)

But we watched anyway. And we were richly rewarded.

With this.


















We spent some considerable time estimating the size of just that one boob. I admit that God has overly blessed me in that area and I am usually the person with the biggest boobs in any given room, but this lady makes me look like a Barely B. The sheer enormity of it in relation to her hand is incredible. Which is why Molly made me take a picture of it. She's a sick freak too.

P.S. Today is casual Friday so my boss (who isn't not exactly thin) is wearing stretch pants with a t-shirt tucked into them. It's truly a hideous sight. I'll try to get a pic for you!

Freakin' Friday

I'm so glad it's finally Friday.









I might kill my boss today.

Or I might just have to help bury the body.

It's undetermined at this point.

Lice? Crabs? Yeast Infection?

I know, I know. You don't like the way this is going, do you? I'm sorry, but I just have to share the most disgusting thing I have seen in a long time.

Not once, not twice, but three times (so far) today I have seen my boss squat down a little and scratch HER crotch. Was she sly and just doing it in her office? Nope. Two times she was standing right in front of my desk. I got the show from the front and then from the back.

Disgusting, right?












I'd never seen a woman (other than Paris Hilton) do this. I know men are gross and like to re-position, but ladies? Can you at least wait until you get behind your desk to root around in there?

Get Funky on my Grand Railroad

This past weekend I visiting my parents in the redwood paradise known as Humboldt County. The goal was to help my Dad set up his satellite TV system and we succeeded. We also took part in essential HC traditions like eating at Ferndale Pizza and Las Caz, and we threw in some Porter Street and Hot Brew too (BONUS!! I saw Amber's Mom at Hot Brew! She didn't know who I was, but was very polite to this psycho chick acting like she knew her). Yes it was a weekend of food. And it was glorious! My Dad even made waffles. Twice! Golden Brown Delicacies indeed!

So this was pretty much an awesome weekend right there. Lots of great food, bonding time with Dad, hanging out with Mom, got to see Grandma.

Awesome.

And then it got awesomer.

My friend Rachel got us all tickets to a show. Right in the front. I could feel the spit.

Who was this showstopper?

Grand Funk Railroad. Now I'll admit, I had heard their name, but had no idea what they sang. So of course I wiki'd them. I even youtube'd them to hear some songs. I was still clueless. I didn't even know they were still a group.

They are!














And they totally rocked Trinidad! At first I was concerned because the first band member out looked like an old lesbian, and the next guy out had legs the size of toothpicks, even with leather pants!! But they knew how to party. And the guy from KISS was kinda hot, in a druggie, old man with raging STDs kind of way. Plus he was great on the guitar. But the true star of the show was the drummer. That man wailed on those drums. At first I thought I was having heart palpitations, but really it was just those beats pumping through my chest. Once I realized I wasn't going to go into cardiac arrest, I enjoyed it.

So thanks to Rachel (and Mark!) for the amazing show. Thanks to my Dad for the waffles (and the gas money). And thanks to my Mom for making sure my room was perfect and comfy.

Methinks someone was a little generous with the codpiece

I honestly can't remember my life before I knew about this. I don't remember how I found it, I just know I have been able to knock off 2 hours of my work day, by browsing through this thing.

Click on it.

Trust me.

It's like SkyMall, but a little creepier and even more overpriced. And you can pick up a gently used Alpine Racer for a steal.

Ok since you want to be lazy, I'll show you a few of my favorites from Michael Jackson's auction.

#383 Lladro Figural Group Featuring MJ. $2,000-3,000
If you insist on immortalizing yourself in ceramics, try to be represented with "timeless" clothing. He looks like an early 90's soccer Mom. Gawdy belt, white socks, baggy jeans. Or maybe he just completely missed the hip hop ghetto style.













#940 Life-Size Girl Statue $80-120
Poor Shirley Temple. She's got the MJ disease. If you look closely you can see the white splotches on her skin. That's assuming you can get past the demonic stare.

I'm not sure what the appeal is for having life-size dolls/statues. They creep me out and I'm only looking at a picture. However, I can imagine MJ sitting at the dinner table with Shirley and a bunch of other "friends" silently listening to him tell stories about how he and Bubbles used to own the world.



#802 (left) Batman Statue $800-1,200
#803 (right) MJ Batman Statue $200-300
These beauties are life-size replicas. That's right, not only can you have Michael Keaton/Val Kilmer/Christian Bale's plastic-sculpted manly goodness standing around your house, but you can also have a full-size MJ (in 1990 Halloween Costume) lurking and scaring the crap out of everyone. Better put this one in the closet.

I really hope I win the lottery tomorrow. I'm not sure I can resist bidding on the 1988 Limo for $4,000. That's a bargain that shouldn't be passed up.